FWFB

Balls. I hate it when you can't go to a party for perfectly good reasons, but really wish you could and spend hours mentally picking out what you would have worn. At least this tendency of the modern male has given rise to the sport of Fantasy Football as we know it.

Okay, you can redo the first sentence as 'I hate it when you can't be manager of Chelsea for perfectly good reasons, but really wish you could and spend hours mentally picking out which striker you would have fielded', but I really don't get football. Party frocks were the nearest equivalent I could get my head around.

To this end, I hereby propose Fantasy Warhammer Fantasy Battle.

The rules are simple - you pick out 1000 points from someone else's army list, and you score 1 point for every selection that matches the actual list on the day. You don't have to get the unit sizes right, but they do need to be armed the same, including the inclusion or not of command. Heroes get a point for the correct wizard level and non-magical equipment. Separate 1 point bonuses for magic item selections. If you manage to select something word-for-word accurate, 5 bonus points.

The fact that some of us have more limited selections to pick troops for is part of the fun, I reckon. I'll be selecting a 'what-if' Warriors of Chaos army, and I don't think anyone would struggle to get near the mark, given the entire painted selection is up on my General profile page.

Winner gets an extra can of beer from the fridge.

Da Brave 'Arts

"Dem Orcses is da backbone of the Waaagh!. Dey gets in a big solid mob and fights wiv spear and shield and choppa."

"Also, dey paintz exactly half of their 'eads, which iz symbolic of the Aristotelian principle of excluded middle. Waaagh!"

With a little advance painting work by my 19-year old self, the second unit of Savage Orc infantry got turned around a bit faster than the first. This lot are the standard rank-and-file of the army, though still formidable in close combat (in theory...)

They come with shields (not hugely useful: Frenzied troops can't parry; and even if they could, they already get a 6+ ward save from their warpaint, so it wouldn't count) and, in some cases, spears (added for the sake of completeness, although they might be more useful than the shields).

In gaming terms, I suspect they're all going to be proxies for two hand weapons (their shields and spears just being additional bits of wood to batter their opponents).

In addition to the 16 old-style savage orcs I repainted, I needed to do another 9 from scratch...

Savage Orcs Makeover

With one unit of Savage Orcs completed, I started work apace on the second (less than two months to WoffBoot VII).

This one required a different approach. While the first unit comprised of stripped-clean miniatures that I accidentally bought in huge amounts on eBay, the second unit was all painted and ready to go. Unfortunately, I had chosen the painting scheme as a feast of technicolour.

They are red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange. And blue.

I honestly don't know where I got the idea to paint them like that.

... honestly.

Da Bone 'Eadz

"Da biggest an’ meanest Orcses. Dey fights wiv extra choppas to get in sum proper crumpin'. No uvver mob is as ’ard as da Bone 'Eadz."

"Also, dey paintz their 'eads wiv skullz, which iz symbolic of the phenomenology of self-consciousness. Waaagh!"

And for the next trick: a Quest for Fire

It took a bit of creeping forward, step by step, but I have finally finished the first of my Savage Orc units - the kernel of my Savage Waaagh! - the Big 'Uns.

The Last of the Savage Big 'Uns

Say that quick enough and it could be a novel by James Fenimore Cooper...

The standard bearer and musician were repainted from my original unit. This saved a little time, as I didn't need to repeat eyes or bone necklaces. Although I had to completely re-do the skin (the earlier ones were a much harsher green) to make them fit the others, and remove their red/blue tattoos. Other repainted bits included yellow bracelets, blue banner poles and red toenails.

(Red toenails - what was I thinking? Were these Orcs getting ready for Saturday night clubbing? The other kind, that is.)

The plastic standard was taken from the Goblin sprue.
Orcs have no standards. This is a goblin joke.

Other amends I made since painting the first batch of Savage Big Uns: I removed the jawbone tattoos, as it was messing with the look of their faces too much. Each unit will have a different style of tattoo, so I'm glad to have painted my last skull-face.

Skulls are tricky - I don't know why Baron Samedi from Live and Let Die was so cheerful,
 when he had to apply that slap every night.

The Biggest Big 'Uns

For the second batch of Savage Orc Big 'Uns, I decided to treat myself and go straight for the big fellas.

The champion with the horned hat was purchased in 1998,
representing my first attempt to expand the Savage Orc army.
15 years is probably the slowest paint job I've ever done.

Three of this lot were part of the conversions I did. These models are my favourite of the unit because they are:
a) slightly bigger than regular savage orcs, being command group models, and
b) most of them are holding two weapons.

And now for something completely different

In the meantime, as I start considering saving up for some of the new releases (child's education vs a warshrine - it's an easy call, education's free in Sweden), I swiftly slapped some paint on these: -

HEY YOU GUYS

The Waaagh! begins (slowly)

My painting progress more or less ground to a halt in November (due to a novel-writing sojourn, and a few other minor distractions), but having set the date for WoffBoot VII, I am determined to have my Savage Orcs painted and ready to play (lose humiliatingly).

This equates to around 50 miniatures, with a couple of special models thrown in. An easy feat for three months, you might think, although it doesn't take into account my glacial speed of painting. I'm breaking up progress into stages, just to push myself along.

So here is the first batch: one-third of my Big 'Uns regiment:

Their furs and skins are fifty shades of grey - one of them even has the Punishment Stick.