Ahey heidi-halloooo, Hivers! You're wickedly welcome to the very first Semi-Final - and we're down on the farm!
That's right, Blaargh, it's a big night downhive. The gangers and bangers have been packing the stadium, the rat sticks are selling like tomorrow's not coming and given the hygiene standards at those stalls, it's probably not.
I ate three already, Jarr, and I'm just dandy!
My stomach thanks you in advance, Blaargh. Two big name teams here for the second-to-last chance for glory - let's go meet them!
Jiminy Jokaero, there's a lot of 'em!
The defining characteristic of dark god worship, Blaargh - a lot of bodies but not so many brains. Backed by spawn and led by sheer charisma, this mob of hoodlums are here to raise their banners on the outhouses of the shroom farm that makes up tonight's arena. There's their backer, Jhnlk, living it up in the celebrity saloon just above the stands.
It's a family broadcast, Blaargh, keep your sidearm holstered for this one. Not that I disagree with you, of course, the House Escher hopefuls are indeed a sight for sore eyes. Stylus is paying their fare, he's there on the touchline having a final word with Queen Alsabelle Vert before the match, probably putting the final tweaks on some hard-hitting tactical plays.
I'd put some final tweaks on her hard-hitting...
Last warning, Blaargh, don't make me lance you!
Take a look at the arena, violence fans - it's green as a juve out there!
Yes, this is Agri-zone XI, the farm famous for the feel-good fungi known as Hivers' High. Reclaimed only recently from the underhive sprawl, this self-contained compound has a refinery, processing vats, a power plant and its own watchtower, all in a bizarre hotchpotch of architectural styles.
Sell it, Jarri!
If I owned it, I would, Blaargh, breathing those spores all day can't be good for the mind. Tonight, our two gangs are going to be having one heck of a farms race down there.
Stairway needs to mark the six main buildings with their arcane graffiti for two VP a throw, while the Escher gals are headhunting, scoring two VPs each time one of their leaders takes out a brute or champion from the chaos team. There's six to choose from there too, so each gang has twelve points on the table.
But that's not all! Bonus points if you loot the place, with up to one extra VP each turn from the two scoring plates - the mushroom racks and the ammo dump in the midfield.
We're playing from the NW and SE corners. Stairway are starting up by the tower with a wide line to rush their target buildings.
And the Escher have split up to try and get those darn champs. Gotta catch 'em all!
The teams are all set up - let's get mucky!
Turn 1
Everybody's running!
You know it, you love it - it's exactly what we always see, the two gangs rushing for position in the opening seconds. The Eschers have split into three groups, with Deathmaiden Jisai leading a pair of little sisters down the west side as Queen Vert takes some shooters into the middle to start hitting the ammo dump.
Over on the other side, Matriarch Rimas has snipers on the bridge, covering sister Villanelle and her shotgun as she moves to oppose the chaos Demagogue Rob Factory and his spawn Moby on the northeast side.
Those chaos boys are just pounding forward, Jerr. And they're already scoring! That's some dark art work up on the walls, nice tagging from Timmy Grant-Song there!
Yes, the first building is within the Cult's deployment, so there'd be some hard words with their coach if they couldn't score that. But it's not the only points they've got, Lotta Love is in the shroom beds holding a Hivers' High triumphantly over her head. No shooting to speak of, but the chaos fire teams have set up a nice row of guns covering the line of advance under the central bridge. Will the Escher get past it?
Scores: Chaos 3, Escher 0
Turn 2
Now we're seeing some fireworks!
Bring out the guns! Powpowpowpowpowpow!
Grenades aloft, and immediately the Escher are paying for pack tactics. Jon Boneharm, chaos disciple, has gone front and centre to defend the mushroom farm and hit them hard with a frag grenade!
Maybe not that hard, Jarr, they look okay to me.
That's fair, Blaargh - Queen Vert has taken a scuff, but the other two are actually unscathed, and gun sister Lai is actually up and rooting through the ammo crates already, although to no avail.
All the guns are lighting up, though. Lookit all the bullets!
Yes, Rimas and her friend have a great line down onto the shroom racks, and straight away, they've hit Boneharm back. He's hurt and pinned!
It's the Mothershit!
It is - powering past the downed disciple, the cultists have sent their Warp Horror shambling up to keep the Escher distracted. It's certainly working! As Queen Vert's group get back up, they're all taking pot shots at it. Soaking up bolter rounds like an Istvaan Salamander, they've certainly slowed it down.
Gotta take care, there, Jarr! Those Escher girls only score if their bosses take out the big bads!
Yes, they've certainly got to plan their hits carefully. But for the crowd, let's just see the hits keep coming!
Deathmaiden Jisai's got her ambush in place. If those culty boys put a foot wrong, they'll be dead before they can tag anything else!
I think her sights are set on the Chaos Witch, Jim E. Phage, who is hiding at the very back. Not the boldest work from the Helots, although they've scored again - another mark of chaos on the wall, and they're certainly racking up a strong lead!
Scores: Chaos 5, Escher 0
Turn 3
I feel it in my water, Jarr - someone's got their warp on!
It's phage for the Chaos team, trying to power up his witchery with an Aura of Madness. But oh no! It's gone awry!
That sent a shiver down the Escher's spines, alright - if that weird can blow his own brains out before they reach him, they'll be losing out on the points!
Lucky for them, he's just gone completely insane instead!
No luck for the ladies sure enough, and this is going to be a hard turn for the Escher to recover from. It's one disaster after another out there!
OOoo - spawn down!
Yes, shotgunner Villanelle has put a pre-emptive round into Moby, the Chaos Spawn, and it's completely flattened it! No mean feat, that, spawn usually take one hell of a beating.
Guess it shouldn't have evolved that big glowing red weak spot out front just then.
No indeed - down it goes, but Villanelle can't claim that head for the team, she just doesn't have the rank. The sisters are doing it for themselves, not the team, tonight - it's happening again in the middle as Wyld Runner Rondine has stuck a poison arrow in the Disciple with the grenade launcher.
He's not quite dead, Jarr!
Queen Vert or her sniper Matriarch will need to finish him later, his points are still on the table, but putting the shots into him has given the chaos team a chance to tag another building before the Deathmaiden can launch her attacks. Not that she's holding off - there's some scrappy melees building up round the middle, with Rondeaux la Belle sticking some stilettos into a pack of helot mooks, and Jisai herself absolutely scalping a passing cultist.
Lot of downed cultists out there!
They're taking the beating they deserve, but it's just not scoring the Escher the points they need. Although look at that!
What a gas!
Dancing Jaqui has absolutely shrouded the cultists there, one driven mad by a sniff of her madness gas and big disciple Jean-Paul Bones taken straight to the morgue. The Escher are scoring, but with Demagogue Factory tagging a fourth building over on the right flank, they're going to have to do some heavy lifting to catch up.
Scores: Chaos 9, Escher 2
Turn 4
Hecky hoo how, it's wild out there!
Madness reigns supreme - still insane after his glimpse into the warp, Phage is dancing a little jig and skipping out of cover, right towards Jisai!
Escher shooting is dominating the middle - the chaos cult can't raid the farm while they're face down in the dirt. That covering fire is just what Jaqui needs, she's spreading muck and madness with her chem-thrower. Mr Grenades is finally out along with a pair of his buddies, and the Escher are picking up points back on the ammo dump too.
What's that guy doing?
Jason Confused, fuddled after a whiff of Jaqui's perfume, is actually taking down the tag he just put up! The Chaos score is going down again!
Whose side is he on?
He's on our side, Blaargh, the side of entertainment! As a huge knife fight develops in the midfield, the cult are also scoring - there's just too many of them for the sisters to stop.
Jisai's on the floor! Guess being dead doesn't make you deathproof, huh?
Hard to tell with a Deathmaiden - I don't think she's out for the count, but she's pinned in place, which is going to save that witch for now. Flamer specialist Joe Quarter has come sprinting at an amazing pace from the cult backfield to try and put her down for good, but even with that tactical speed, he's out of position, and he's been dropped by Esher fire mere seconds later!
The body count is out of the park here, Jarr!
It helps when the Helots bring so many, Blaargh. Not that they have a lot left, the Escher have been absolutely slaughtering them out there. And that's a big one - Robert Factory has just taken Villanelle out, but it's left him in range of Queen Vert's power whip!
Wha-pishhh!
Wha-pish indeed, Blaargh, a wha-pish for the ages. Extra points for the Escher as their Queen claims the demagogue's head, and with a quick cheeky score from the ammo dump, this battle could sudden be wide open!
Scores: Chaos 9, Escher 8
Turn 5
Straight into the nearest crate, the Escher have dug up something valuable in the closing seconds. The scores are tied, and all eyes are on the last remaining prize.
It's witching hour!
Jisai is back on her feet, but not quite able to charge. Lucky she's packing heat!
Ja-zow, Jisai's firing!
The needle shot's gone just wide, that's not going to drop the target they need. All the other nearby Escher are tied up in that sprawling melee with the cult mooks. Can they break free?
Splick! Right in the kidneys!
Amazing stuff from Rondeaux there - she's shanked one cultist and the others have taken flight, scared off by her knife prowess. That's freed up little sister Kirielle, who's taking aim with a brace of pistols...
Wha-whiff! That's pee-yew when you needed pew-pew!
The witch is still up, he's taking matters into his own hands and he's closing in on Jisai...
...and he's only gone and done it! Death and the Maiden! With Jisai out of the picture, the Escher hopes of a comeback are over, and there's Jason Confused coming out of his fug and re-spraying the chaos logo on the wall.
Looks like we've got a winner!
Final Scores: Chaos 12, Escher 9
They claimed it for the dark gods!
Yes, by a whisker, Stairway to Heathen have got their place in the final. Victims of their own success there, the Eschers put up one hell of a battle - what started out as eighteen slaves to darkness was down to five by the end.
The girls just wanted to have fun, Jarr!
We all do, deep down, Blaargh, and they certainly spread the joy tonight. Disappointing for them, but not a sad face to be seen in the dugout.
That's 'cos they're all still out there stabbing cultists! Should we tell them it's all over?
Blaargh, I just don't have the heart. Congrats to Jhnlk, hopefully his evil gospel will have drawn in replacements in time for the cup final!
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| It's Finger-Splittin' Good! |
That was tremendous fun - thanks for hosting and I'll be backing jhnlk all the way to the trophy!
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