Savage Orc Tournament, Day #2: Fools Rasher In

vs Ogres 

This was more promising, Skullfink thought. Ogres weren't like those other sneaky armies: they got stuck in for proper bashing, orc-style. He was so pleased to see the brutish mobs lumbering towards them, he dropped the Foot of Gork on the Ironguts as a welcome.

The surviving Ironguts took fright at this, but just to show there were no hard feelings, the other ogres responded with a couple of cannonballs that peppered the boarboyz and felled a few Big 'Uns. Marvellous fun!

After the formalities were over, it was time to get to the real business of the day. Da Bone 'Eadz were set to dance with the Bruiser-led Bulls, and Skullfink would hate to arrive underdressed. With a swift prayer to Gork, he acquired a pair of monstrous fists that fitted over his mitts like outsize gloves.

The Big 'Uns crashed into the Bulls and started thumping away. Skullfink's massive fists wielded a pair of delicate fencer's blades (long-since looted from an elf corpse) to cut a bloody swathe through their enemies. To his left, a unit of boarboyz also tried to charge down the cannon-wielding ogres, only to disappear in a cloud of grey smoke, leaving only the smell of gunpowder and barbecued pork.

What remained of the ogres quickly gave up the fight and were run down, but Skullfink did not have to look far for more dancing partners. The rhinox-driven cannon smashed into their front, just as the recently-rallied Ironguts thumped into their side.

In a frenzy of attacks, the savage orcs beat down and chased off both units, before calling down Gork's wrath to crush the remaining Leadbelchers.

Skullfink lifted his ramhorn helmet and wiped the sweat from his brow. Now that was a battle!

vs Lizardmen 

Rokhamma shoved the Big 'Uns back into line. Da Bone 'Eadz had been unruly ever since they beat up those orges: drunk on victory and gorged on ogre meat. The lads had started fighting about who was the bravest and he was pretty sure the battle had already started without them.

Mind you, it was hard to tell with these lizardary men: the three groups of saurus warriors just kept slowly stepping back every time the orcs advanced, and the monstrous stegadon just stood there was watched everything. It was as if they didn't even want to fight.

There seemed to be more happening on the right flank, where their supposed commander was leading the massed unit of boarboyz. Bigtrotta was even worse at keeping order than Rokhamma, and without even waiting for command, the whole unit had charged into a stone wall to try and bash some little newt general and his pet snakes.

The idiot cavalry could barely even reach the ground-crawling reptiles and, no matteer how many they squashed underfoot, more and more boarboyz were falling as the venomous little creatres nipped their ankles. Soon the entire unit was overrun, Bigtrotta and shaman Pigwaaagh with them, and the battle was as good as lost.

Rokhamma urged the Big 'Uns forward: if was going down, he was going down krumping. While the arrer boyz held off the snakes who were now swarming over their rear, Da Bone 'Eadz stood before the three Saurus packs and made obscene gestures.

That was enough to finally spur the lizards into action: thirty saurus warriors charged into the orc mob, hitting them in both the front and flank. With a surge of release, Rokhamma and his ladz swung madly from all sides, killing so many lizards that even the cold-blooded creatures took fright and fled.

After they had run down and chased off all the remaining warriors, the big boss noticed that there wasn't much left of his own side. He quickly gathered up as many saurus-skull trophies as possible before making his exit.

vs Dark Elves 

"Dem warlocks look dangerous," Noggchoppa said, pointing at the troop of elven cavalry speeding around their flank and crackling with dark magic.
"Neve mind dem warlocks!" Skullfink shouted at the army. "We face wot's in front of us."
That was a sensible tactic, Noggchoppa thought, except what was in front of them was crossbows, bolt throwers and quite a lot of elf pirates.

"Gork! Gork! Gork! chanted Da Bone 'Eadz, demonstrating their renewed faith in Skullfink's ability to harness the power of the orky god. The great shaman responded and a giant scaly foot appeared above the elven lines, stamping down hard. Again. And again.
And again.
And again...

"S'funny," Noggchoppa said, as the entire unit of elf pirates fled at the sight of the pancake-thin crossbow elves, dashing past the cowering bolt thrower crew as they left the battlfield. "Dey leaving already and dey only jus' got 'ere."

Not the best moment to fail an Animosity test.
(the chariot is taking one for the team, and blocking the Warlocks' charge)

The warlocks seemed less skittish however, and circled around and around the Big 'Uns, blasting the orcs with hellish magicks and leeching the spirit from their shaman with magical duels.

"Are you alright, boss?" asked Noggchoppa. The shamam skin had gone a very pale green. More than usual.

"Yeh," said Skullfink faintly. "Only, I fink I'm gonna..." The shaman keeled over, spewing bright green vomit, then lying very still.

"'Ere boss," said the Big 'Uns champion, Grunk, "Why ain't we charging?" He pointed at the two packs of boarboyz, flecked with arrows but running through the dark elf war machines. "Dem ladz is having all da fun."

He had a point, Noggchoppa thought, but the tricksey elves wouldn't stay still. Every time the Big Uns turned to face them, they were somewhere else, blasting apart the remaining boar boyz with their magic powers.

Noggchoppa shouldered the battle standard and slung Skullfink over his shoulder. "Let's go home, ladz," he said with disgust. "Dem elves is slippier than a runny turd."