KnockRaT Round One - Escher v Van Saar - Fight!

 Helloooooooo violence fans! And welcome to the opening rounds of the inaugural KnockRamundout Tournament, the KnockRaT, with me, Jarribix Klabbs, the scavvy with the savvy!

Joining me tonight in the mostly-empty acid sludge container that passes for the commentary booth is the sentient growth on my shoulder, Blarrgh. Say hello Blarrgh!

Good evening Jarri, and let me just must say, bleee-oooo, it's a real treat to be here. 

It certainly is - it's a gorgeous night here in the simmering depths of the Underhive, the hab-wide AC is set to a balmy 92 degrees and the league council has paid their guild dues punctually for once, so we've got nearly full lighting. 

I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than watching these two eager newcomers blasting the sump-loving slime out of each other. 

KnockRat might be new as a sport, but the concept's as old as time itself, Blaargh. Two gangs enter, most of one gang leaves, and we'll repeat as we need to until a final victor unites us all under their banner and ushers in a new era for peace and prosperity on Necromunda!

Sounds grisly, Jarri - I'm sure I speak for the Hive at large when I say urp-urple bring on the blood and keep it coming!

Let's meet the gung-ho gangsters vying for the first place in the quarter finals!

From House Escher comes the Whipporwills - ten deadly ladies with a long history behind them. Seriously, this crew have been rocking the tunnels for longer than I can remember, battling Goliaths and Delaque in back in Armory Row before making it to the big leagues here today. You can take a look at what they're packing right here. 

Escher has to be my favourite House to watch, Jerri - all that leopard skin really gets my juices flowing!

You just need to look at the state of my shirt to know that's true, Blaargh! As if these stylish queens needed any uphive assistance, General Stylus is backing this gang to the hilt. Look for blindingly fast movement, deadly melee and the whiff of even deadlier chemicals from these girls tonight. 

Sounds like my perfect date! On the other side of the arena, we've got something dangerously advanced that'll shoot through you faster than a curried ripperjack. House Van Saar all up in yours! 

Yes, Blaargh, this is Solutions Incorporated, the cutting edge of killing hardware sharpened to a pristine edge and brought to you on hover-skateboards. Escher girls might be fast, but can they outrun lasers? 

Seriously, the Van Saar pack more guns than a Cadian warehouse! Jhnlk, their up-hive backer, will be hoping the Escher can close the distance before they get lit up, kra-chaaa haaaargh haaaagh, or this could be a short match!

Speaking of which, let's take a look at the arena itself, provided by tonight's sponsor, H. Gorbu's Kill'n'Grill. You nab it, he kebabs it!

It's three lanes of death out there, Jarri. Scoring zones in all three, but will the teams run for the open middle or edge through those tangled outer passages? 

I'm seeing heavily-locked blast doors between the alleys, Blaargh. Maybe a smart thinking ganger could get one of those accessways open and move from scoring zone to scoring zone?

Sure, but where are we going to find any of those?

Harsh but fair, Blaargh, harsh but fair! Don't forget, although control of those zones brings a steady stream of points to the team holding them, there's plenty to be said for hosing your opponent down with lead, plasma or at a pinch, your own toxin-saturated blood in order to score. 

Bleeerccch!

Exactly, Blaargh, you've belched what we're all thinking. I can see the gangs dashing into place. Let's get straight to the death-dealing!

Turn 1

It's classic early match stuff here - the teams are rushing in, jostling to be first to reach the three crucial scoring zones. Both gang leaders are flanked by their flunkies, taking up firing positions from behind what little cover there is to see in that big exposed middle lane. 

Over on the right, the Van Saar Neoteks on their grav-boards are rocketing towards the middle, where the Escher have sent a gas-slinging Matriarch and her sisters to deal with the young upstarts. 

Is that a Death Maiden I see there, Jarri?

It sure is, Blaargh, one of the infamous House Escher zombified killers brought back from beyond the veil through chemical manipulations mere mortals can only shudder to think on. 

I'm shuddering right now!

That's because you're mostly skin and fat, Blaargh. Keep an eye on that left side, folks, we've got Van Saar champions armed with some of the finest guns credits can buy going up against some ladies with swords and bows. It could be a short fight there!

But wahaaaaaoooowww, look at that! That's what I call speed!

Incredible, Blaargh, absolutely staggering - the pace those Escher girls can put out when their blood is up is just phenomenal. And in platform heels! Yes, the Escher have their tactics sorted here, stealing some extra moves there to grab the right-hand scoring zone. The Van Saar are going to have to rely on good old firepower to claim the field now, there's no way they can keep up with that!

Turn one score - Escher:2 (holding the right lane)

Turn 2 

Uh-oh - that's what the Van Saarporters in the crowd tonight have been waiting to see. Know what I love about speedy Eschers, Jarri?

The poetry of their motion, Blaargh?

That's a close second, but no! It's how much faster they get in range! The Van Saar are opening up!

Yes, that tell-tale orange glare is the blast of the Rad-Cannon. My personal geiger counter is chattering like terrified teeth even from up here, and that's put the Death Maiden and her Little Sister on the floor. Down but not out - they're looking a little pale, but not to be deterred!

Ya-zowzers! Plasma blasting on the left side! You sure called that fight, Jarri, the Escher Matriarch just bit a big bright bucketful. 

Tactical firepower at it's best - the Van Saar Augmek has pulled a hell of a shot through all that architecture. It's left his gun dry, but worth it for the effect. That Wyld Runner is pinging explosive arrows back at the Van Saar, but really can't connect. But if the Van Saar look like they have the left sorted out, the Escher are all over that right!

Either someone someone opened my lunchbox and found my sump jelly pickles, or the Escher girls are turning on the gas!

That's right, Blaargh - Dancing Jacqui, the Matriarch with the Nightshade Thrower, is dousing those Neoteks with her signature mix of ultralite hallucinogenic toxochlorines. One of them's straight out of the fight, and by the way the other is trying to bite his own feet off, I'd say he's come down with a bad case of screaming psychosis!

Just like my momma used to warn me, Jarri - don't hoverskate and hallucinate!

Turn 2 Score: Escher 6 (4 more from holding the centre and right), Van Saar 2 (taken out a pair of gangers and a Champion)

Turn 3

The Escher are certainly keeping the pressure on, determined to keep those scoring zones locked down. Look at them go, swarming the delusional Neotek on the right and hammering him straight off his board with a quick one-two. They've got that flank locked down!

Right but not left, Jarri - and can I believe my eyes?

If those cysts are in fact eyes, Jarri, I'm just not sure. Did we really just see that?

Seems like a Van Saar just made a long charge over the left-hand scoring zone and from nowhere, just nowhere, Jarri, absolutely knocked ten bells out of that Escher Wyld Runner!

Stranger things have happened, Blaargh. Van Saar might be best-known for their ranged technology, but they can pull some mean punches with kit like that Archeotek's Spider Rig. 

It's got more arms than my Aunt Maureen!

And just as handsy, too. The left is under Van Saar rule for now. How's the middle looking, Blaargh?

Hotter than a heretic in a Cawdor trial, Jarri! There's Van Saar Teks down on both sides of their Prime, but between his combi-plasma and the big Rad Cannon, they've only gone and taken out the Death Maiden and her sidekick!

Death certainly became her, Blaargh! They're going to have to rinse her veins with iodine before they can reanimate her again. Yes, the Van Saar Prime is making a strong play for the centre node, while the Escher's Queen is pinned in cover at the back. She's shouting something, though. Encouragement? Orders?

Could be a clutch play, Jarri!

It sure is! Look at that - a shotgun-toting Sister just made an extraordinary run for the Van Saar back lines, flipping past the Prime and unloading her shotgun right where the Teks aren't expecting it!

Into the floor beside them, Jarri?

You've got that right, Blaargh - an absolutely dismal shot. Two barrels of absolutely nothing, and by the way she's clicking the trigger and looking awkward, I'd say she's run out of ammo to boot!

Klamplaaaakty terribly, Jarri! Kawtchtchtchly plerk hrk hrk hrk! Racking up the kills, but out of position, I'd say the Van Saar have some catching up to do!

Turn 2 Score: Escher 11 (4 from the middle and right, 1 from two gangers), Van Saar 5 (2 from the left flank, 1 from the Death Maiden) 

Turn 4

Everyone's out for the middle! With the sides looking nigh-well impregnable, the gangers on the flanks are looking to open the doors and get in on the action. 

Easy enough for the Van Saar. Me, I just can't get the hang of those access panels. 

I'd say that was your lack of digits and indeed limbs, Blaargh, but to be honest, I don't think anyone finds a Necromundan door easy. A real labour-saver - lock it once and keycode or no keycode, it's going to stay that way a good long time. 

Hooo-eee but look at that! The Van Saar have opened not just one, but two, and they've caught the Escher with their pants down!

It's every young boy's dream, Blaargh. As the Escher Queen is suddenly having to check her six, the Prime has made a sudden feint and blasted her from the other side. She's down! The Escher's Queen is gone!

And so's the Escher hold on the middle! Her sister just lost her nerve for the fight, that middle ground is looking like Van Saar property for sure!

Hold on there, Blaargh, I wouldn't call time on this yet. Look at that - doors opening on the other side as by some miracle of button-pressing, the Escher have managed to pick the lock! There's a cloud of gas there, and I can't quite see to be sure but.... yes! Yes, look at that! The Van Saar Prime is on the deck, gassed right next to the middle zone and if not quite out of the fight, certainly looking an unhealthy purple as he chokes his way towards clearer air. 

That's changed everything - the Van Saar are reeling, their shots are going wide, and even the Escher can't seem to quite understand what's happening. The match is wide open!

Turn 4 Scores: Escher 13 (2 from the left), Van Saar 9 (2 from the right, 2 from the Escher Leader)

Turn 5

Change my dressings, Jarri, I'm leaking with excitement here!

Later, Blaargh - I'm not missing a second of this fight. With the middle in play and both teams missing key players, it's looking like this will come down to the last seconds. Everything hinges on that middle point, and on whether the Van Saar can pick off a few more Escher. They've got the range and the guns, and just a few key shots will pick them up enough points to draw level on fatalities and then pull ahead on scoring zones. 

They're sure playing their cards far from their chests. Their motives are clearer than a focussing crystal!

Both teams making a last rush for the middle - that panicked sister has pulled herself together and is back in the game, touching the central zone just as a Van Saar Tek does the same from the south. And Dancing Jacqui is getting ready to dart in from the right along with her henchgirl!

Sounds like a target-rich enviroment, Jarri. Did somebody say Rad Cannon?

Just you, Blaargh, it's always just you. Oh!

No way!

That's what they call a Necromunda Bullseye - seeing all those bodies, the Van Saar Specialist has trained his Rad Cannon's blast on the incoming Escher and pulled the trigger. But in the excitement, his aim's gone wide and he's irradiated the central point and both gangers on it, the Escher and his own teammate! Nobody's hurt, but there's going to be some angry words in the locker room later on. 

And Dancing Jacqui is dancing in. The Escher have that point unless the Van Saar Augmek can do something about it. He's aiming his plasma gun, the Matriarch is dead in his sights...

...And he's missed! Pruoooooorrrupppp!

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes - a wide-open shot, the entire game to play for, and he's completely muffed it. Agony, Blaargh, he must be feeling just dreadful right now. 

At least he won't have to face his team captain tonight, Jarri, that guy is still high as a kite on hallucinogens!

Turn 5, Final Scores: Escher 17 (4 from middle and right), Van Saar 12 (2 from left, 1 for completing another pair of gangers down)

Well there you have it, hivers and hivettes - a bonafide battle, courtesy of H. Gorbu's Kill'n'Grill. You slay it, he'll fricasee it! Escher through to the next round, some red faces in the Van Saar dugout and not just because of the near-lethal levels of radiation it's permanently being scourged by. Join us for the next fixture - for now, it's goodnight from me, Jarribix Klabbs and my talking tumour Blaargh. Say goodnight, Blaargh!

Grruuuuuurp!