...which is why they grade it as meat rather than slurry. And we're back! If you're just joining us, this is me, Jarribix Klabbs...
...and a big rowdy hey helloooo from me, Blaargh the Boil!
We're here at the arena, it's the last few minutes before tonight's KnockRat brawl, and I have to say, Blaargh, I can't think it's going to be much of a match tonight.
Jarri, come on! Who couldn't get excited about, let me check the program, two entirely blameless groups of ordinary hivers? What?
My thoughts exactly, Blaargh. Is it a misprint or misinformation? Let's hope there's more than meets the eye to tonight's combatants or we might as well be broadcasting footage from the nearest sludge farm growth vats.
Jarri, something happened to your voice just there, you went kind of whispery. You okay?
Really, Blaargh, I'm perfectly fine, probably just an echo in this old oil drum we call home. The regular hivers are familiar faces to everyone here, trusted friends and known quantities who've just decided for no particular reason to shave their heads, don trenchcoats and buy the latest ocular implants.
All the better to see you, Jarri!
That's right, Blaargh - just the latest trend sweeping the Underhive, and certainly not the result of an ominous psychic summons from the deepest sump sea. These regular hivers are backed by the infamous cold trader Pootle, they may yet surprise us.
Don't they remind you of House Delaque gangers, Jarri?
I've never heard of insert innocuous House Name Blaargh, I think you're long overdue a steroid shot.
Ooo-kay, Jarri, whatever you say! Why don't I introduce tonight's second gang, the Definitely Legitimate Business Humans, instead? These guys, I can actually vouch for - Clive Tyrant, their boss, used to be a friend of mine growing up. Saved his credits, booked an off-world holiday in the Ymgarl asteroid belts and just recently came back to us on Necromunda. A self-made and well-armed man, Jarr!
Possibly a little too-well-armed, Blaargh - do my eyes deceive me, or does he have maybe one more than he ought to?
Couldn't say, Jarri, maths isn't really my strong suit! Big shout out to him and his two kids, Göran and Arnie, they've really grown a lot since I saw them last.
A lot of chitinous carapace, by the look of them, Blaargh. I'll never get used to off-world fashion mutations, give me a nice patch of scaly skin and a fifth nipple any day of the week.
Aunt Maur...
I'm going to stop you there, Blaargh - the lights are coming on in the arena, the contestants are limbering up and the crowd is settling in for some vicious fighting, Underhive-style. Let's take a look at tonight's layout!
Hatcha-cha-chewie, that's a sight for sores like me, Jarri - just what we've come to expect! Three corridors, three chances for glory! Gotta tell you, it's amazing how neat and tidy these arenas are!
Well, Blaargh, the crowd would hate to see these hivers fall down a hatchway or slip on some corrosive slime rather than pulverising each other with gun and club.
You're kidding me, Jarri, they'd love that!
Maybe, but I've been told the powers that be are saving the worst hazards for later rounds. For now, we'll just have to settle for seeing them clobber ten shades of harm out of each other.
Yippee-yie-kapow, Jarri!
I don't know what that means, Blaargh, but I'm certainly behind the underlying sentiment! These apparently harmless gangers are all in place, ready to go - and there's the starting klaxon! We're off!
Well, I already want to talk to tonight's referee - I'm not sure Al Dwunai of the Business Humans is really supposed to start the match in the middle of the right-hand lane. It's a boxed-off area, there are heavy access doors sealing it off, and being inside it means he's stealing a march on the scoring zone there!
I call shenanigans, Jarr, that can't be right at all! Looks like the Dela... er, the regular hivers aren't going to stand for it, though, three of them have hammered their doorway and they've sent the guy with the octopus arm rig through to challenge their opponents. Jarri, are we really going to pretend these guys are regular hivers all through the match?
You're starting to worry me a little, Blaargh, the not the droids you're looking for are about as unexciting a gang as I've ever seen, really nothing exciting to say about their bizarre and exotic weaponry or potent psychic abilities.
Not even the guy who is a flying squid?
Flying squid? If you mean Average Joe from your Hab, I buy my morning recaff from him every day, Blaargh. He's just a guy like you and me. Well, not you, you're a three-pound lump of cartilage, but you take my meaning.
I guess that's my answer, then. Anyway, pretty standard stuff out there for the early game, there's plenty of positional movement and none of the blood we're all waiting for. It can't be long, listeners, it can't be long!
Scores: Delaque nil, GSC 2 (right zone)
Turn 2
Now the slime is starting to hit the shafts, Blaargh - there's a fantastic criss-cross of las fire going on in that middle lane!
Man down, Jarri!
Man equivalent, certainly - I'm seeing two of Legitimate Business down on the deck, Brian O'Fecks and Gary Goyle from the roster. Their tall lady friend with the staff, second-in-command Dawn Queen, has panicked and run back the way she came. That's what we're here to see, some great shooting! Maybe I was too quick to judge these gangs!
Sure look like, Jarri! Göran and Arnie, the two big boys, are thundering in towards the left scoring zone, but they're not going to have it all their own way. Your coffee squid is slithering...
...walking innocently...
...towards the point, backed by two of his pals. And boy howdy, look at the brains on that one! He must have a steel neck to hold up that cranium!
A gent of more than average intelligence to be sure, Blaargh, and a hat-size to write home about. He's not in the zone yet, though, and the Business Humans have control there for now.
Does he have a headache, Jarri?
He is massaging his temples for some reason, Blaargh... oh! Extraordinary! Completely out of the blue, for no apparent reason, we've just seen someone's head explode!
That's why I come to these games, Jarri, you just never know what you're going to see!
Yes, that member of Business Humans’ head just popped like ripe zit. No offence, Blaargh.
None taken, Jarri, I suffer from zits myself and I sure know how satisfying it feels to squeeze them out!
Delightful as ever, Blaargh. But let's get back to the real action - ganger Al is taking some early flak over on the right!
A webber! I see webs, Jarri!
You've got it, Blaargh, that's a rare example of the infamous crowd control gun in action. In this enclosed space, though, it seems the innocent bystander firing it has got a little carried away. Most of that shot has hit the ceiling and the floor, and I think he's out of ammo too!
Looks like your bed that time you rolled over on me in the night, Jarri!
It's a real stroke of luck for Mr Dwunai, but he's not out the woods yet - something's just emerged from the floor next to him, some kind of cybernetic worm creature, and it's going right for his legs! Oh! Look at that!
Scrape me raw, Jarri, that's amazing! He caught it in mid-air with a huge pair of industrial shears!
The early hybrid certainly caught the wyrm there, Blaargh, that's remarkable stuff! Still more danger heading his way, though - looks like that wyrm was someone's pet!
I don't care what you say, Jarri, the guy in the octopus rig just has to be from the House of Shadows!
Wherever he's from, Blaargh, he'll be going back there in a pair of body bags. Al Dwunai has done it again, slipped past that barrage of slicing tentacles and snipped them off at source. Fantastic work from this ganger, clearly one to watch!
Score: Delaque 1 (two gangers down), GSC 6 (left and right zones)
Turn 3
Woah, Jarri, I'm seeing movement behind the lines of combat here!
I see it too, Blaargh. Is that another
harmless passer-by, suddenly leaping down from an electrical ductway to threaten the Business Humans from behind?
Looks to me to be a Nachtgul, Jarri, not sure I can back you up on the harmless part there.
Nachtguls are just a children's tale, Blaargh, you're just talking nonsense now.
Well, whoever he is, he's going to be trouble... wow! Klablowee!
Incredible stuff, Blaargh, there was something truly beautiful in that. Very calm, very assured work - that's Jeff Leaper from the Business Humans, walking straight back through the door and putting a cold couple of barrels into this latecomer. Proof if proof was needed that it wasn't a legendarily mean assassin from the shadows, just someone who took an unfortunate wrong turn.
Sorry to butt in, Jarri, but you are not going to believe what's going down on the other side of the arena! The barista squid just flew into action!
That's truly remarkable, Blaargh. I guess he's as strong as the coffee he serves. Clive Tyrant's kids are being picked up and thrown around like kids' toys, if Necromundan kids had toys to play with instead of giant carnivorous insects and worn industrial gears.
Pow! Göran's down, and crunch! Arnie with him. I tell you, Jarri, I got to start going to this guy's stall!
Clive Tyrant doesn't feel the same way - he's stepping up to avenge his kids and look! At! That!
One shot, one kill!
The indigent lifeform of average appearance just hit the deck! A single needle shot right between the neckplate of its articulated exo-skeleton... okay, well, Blaargh, I have to admit, now that that thing is unconscious and unable to cast its sinister spell on me from a distance, it might not have been quite the innocent recaff seller I took it for. Tea for me from now on.
Not looking so hot for the Delaque, I gotta say, Jarri, now that I can say it. They've got the middle lane under lockdown, the Business Humans are going to ground faster than lightning down a copper mine under a real lightshow of lasers and grav shots there. They've stalled on the right, where Al Dwunai is soaking up a heck of a lot of shots and just point-blank refusing to stay down!
Fire and fury in all directions there, but no actual casualties. Unless you count the Delaque leader's coat - he's taken a flamer hit, and he's running to find water!
They sure do love their coats, Jarri!
Score: Delaque 5 (middle and left zones held), GSC 9 (right zone held and two gangers down)
Turn 4
The clock is nearly on zero, there's a lot of people on the floor out there, or, well, people and things. Something of a stalemate in the left lane, with the Business Humans starting to push forward now the threat of the terrifying squid creature has been neutralised.
Delaque's got the middle locked down, though! They've got the enemy pinned down like a krakroach on a stick!Stop it, Blaargh, you're making me hungry. No such joy on the right, though, the Business Humans have run roughshod right over that side, there's just too many of them for the Delaque to shift now.
Same story on the other side too, Jarri - I'm seeing Arnie Fex staggering up off the floor there, standing over his brother Göran Thrope so that nobody can down him. Moments more, and daddy Clive is going to be mopping up the big squid, and it's going to be game over Delaque!
If the Delaque were ever here at all, Blaargh - it's suddenly gone very quiet on the arena floor...
What gives, Jarri? Why are the lights flickering like that?
Very strange, Blaargh, very strange indeed. As normal lighting returns to the arena, I'm seeing only one gang down there, and if I can trust the almost-imperceptible whispers in my ears, I think there might have only ever been one there to start with. Was this entire match just a casual hallucination?
Creepy stuff, Jarr, if I had a spine, it'd sure be shivering right now!
Lucky you just have teratoma teeth, then, Blaargh. An eerily quiet end to an intense match, violence fans, and if we're interpreting it correctly, then I think we just saw House Delaque knocked out of the qualifiers!
Final scores: Delaque 9 (middle and left zones, GSC 12 (right zone, champion down), early concession from Delaque after working out the likely run on the next turn
They'll be calling this one the Battle of the Balds, Jarr!
If they dare talk about it at all, Blaargh. I'm not even sure if even really happened?
Pleeeee-oooo! Skrajow! Bring on the next bout - but first, a word from our sponsor!
KnockRat is brought to you by H. Gorbu's Kill'n'Grill
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