Next Top Model

Hello, and welcome back to The Chaos Wastes Next Top Model, with me, Ogre Tyrant Banks!

This week, we'll be hearing the pitches from six top teams, all of whom want our panel of hellish deities to pick them to create a shrine truly worth going to war with. We'll be finding out which of them makes it through to the final cut later this month, and takes home the top prize of getting their vision realised by General Kraken as he finishes the lineup for his WoC Woffboot Army!

First, let's take a moment to meet our judges, each one a bona fide daemon prince!

Representing the Blood God, Khalash the Violent!

 I AM FURY INCARNATE! SLAUGHTER IN MY NAME!

For the whimsical Lord of Subtle Changes, it's Tz'plyn the Unguessable!

I've decided at the last minute not to take part in this. Or have I?

All the way from New Jersey, new home of the Grandfather of Decay, it's Noigle Pa!

Hobba hobba hobba! Let's have a feel of yer dumplings!

And to represent the Prince of Deceit, Master of Surreptitious Pleasure, Slaanesh, we've got Symoan the Curdled!

I don't care what you say, it's not my baby. 

Without further ado, let's bring in our first team and see what they've got for us. 


Hi! We're team Maggot, and we've got a fantastic new look for your Warshrine that's really going to define the Warshrine Genre for this Spring. Using synergistic mounts, the latest in ergonomic resin casting and some other buzz words we've just now looked up, we aim to bring you what we call...

THE MAGGOT WAGON

Amazing! Let's hear what our judges think! Judges?

BLOOD! BLOOD AND SLAUGHTER! MAYHEM FOR ALL ETERNITY!

Thanks, Khalash - well team, sorry, but it looks like that's a pretty apoplectic no from the Blood God. Nurgle?

Woah! And hey, that's a nice looking curvy ride there, where you getting that baby from?

Well, that's a resin cast Great Old One Mashaaf from Reaper Minis. It'll be out this Autumn, part of the big haul Kraken has from their Kickstarter.

Fat bloke sold separately

Wait, hold on a moment there. So this can't be done until the Autumn? 

...er, yes. 

And it's basically just the GW warshrine, but balanced precariously on a huge maggot?

...yes. 

I'm with Symoan here. The time factor is crucial, I think. Besides, it's very... thematic of a certain god, isn't it? Without playing favourites, I think this has been done before. Tired. I'm out. 

That's Dragon's Den. 

Isn't that what we're doing? 

With only one judge on their side, it looks like Team Maggot are going home disappointed. Let's bring in the next team!

Pow! Team Crash, checking in! And this is one ride you won't want to miss! Because... rides, do you check into rides? Does this make sense? Do we have anything else to work with here, Pete? I'm really not sure... okay, okay, fine. You paid for the taxi, you write the pitch. ...Won't want to miss! Check out the chassis on this bad bad boy, our soon-to-be-winning Warshrine, layyyydiiees and gennnntlemennnn - 

THE MONSTER TRUCK!!!!!!!!

Stunning! But this competition is about what our judges think - Symoan, let's start with you!

I'm confused. And disappointed. I mean, I was expecting a pitch. Whereas this is the pits. 

Hey! I'm with the slimeball on this. And that's rich, that I'm calling him that. But whaddya know! It's the gods' honest truth!

You are the weakest link. Goodbye. 

BLOOD! BLOOD AND SLAUGHTER AND THE CARELESS LAUGHTER OF THE THIRSTING GODS OF DEATH! 

Khalash certainly likes it! But one isn't going to be enough, so it's on to the next team!

The prototype has yet to be completed, um, but in essence, what our collaborative has been working on is a genetic crossbreed using a mixed limb phenotyping proceedure whereby a series of recessive elements can be recombined at the RNA/Greenstuff level to create a more mobile platform to introduce the worship platform across a range of high performance battlefields. Um. We're Team Science, this is the late alpha version of our pitch, and we're going to stick with the label generally accepted in the journals in terms of nomenclature. 

THE LUGGAGE

Hey, as Ogden Nash once wrote, Tell us, o warring shine, we begs - is those things legs, or is those things legs! Hey! Not bad, I could see one of my guys on something like this. 

Which is a problem for me, I'm afraid. So I'm going to go with the banker's offer on this. 

I think you're still a little confused there, Tz'plyn...

Bully's special prize, then. 

BLOOD! MURDER! BLOOD AND MURDER! MURDER AND...

Sorry, if I could cut in with a quick question. You've tapped a weak spot of mine, so I've got to say, I'm already really impressed. If it's got legs, everyone knows, I'm interested. So what I really want to know is, can I sleep with it?

Early research would suggest that, well, if you factor in a percentage chance of...

A simple yes or no. 

It's really not the sort of multi-variable-query that can be answered in such black and white terms, you're looking at...

One word or I'm out. 

Herpes. 

I'm out. 

Bad luck team, that's still not enough votes! Do we... do we have any teams left? Anybody? 

FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS!
Hate it. 
Hate it.
Hate it.
Don't be stupid, what am I going to make the sail from? Or the hull?
Who are you?
General Kraken.
Greenstuff?
Have you seen my modelling ability?
Fair enough. Next team!

LOVE IT!
Hate it. 
HATE HATE
Hate it.

*hits big red X button
O! What are you, trying to kid with me here now? How would that even move?
DEATH DEATH MURDER KILL KILL BLOOD KILL BLOOD
*sings Surprise surprise! The unexpected hits you between the eyes!

 ...So, what an amazing round! After those... inspiring pitches, and what a difficult decision this is going to be, let's open this to the phones and see what the audience has to say! 

Calls are priced at two souls fifty per minute. Please check with your regular service provider to see if you soul is currently available, or, if you're under 18, check with an adult before ringing. The results of your vote may be ignored in favour of something with more televisual pizazz or something that's been sleeping with Symoan. Service not available in Germany. May also cause cancer.