Editorial: Superhero Slugfest or Superpowered Pandemonium?
By J. Jonah Jameson
Listen up, New York! What kind of ridiculous, rash, and downright reckless rampage are we witnessing? We’ve got Iron Man blasting, Thor thundering, and Hulk smashing in some senseless, superpowered slugfest! And who’s in the opposing corner? Red Skull, Green Goblin, Loki, and the tyrant of terror himself, Thanos! This isn’t a showdown - it’s a citywide catastrophe waiting to happen!
Captain America, the so-called symbol of freedom, now just another fighter in this foolish free-for-all! Doctor Strange, the 'Sorcerer Supreme', slinging spells like some second-rate street magician! And Spider-Man - don’t even get me started on that wall-crawling catastrophe - swinging from building to building, turning our city into his personal playground of pandemonium!
And let’s not forget the vile villains! Loki’s lurking, plotting his next nefarious scheme, while the Green Goblin is grinning like a gargoyle, ready to rain ruin down on us all. And Thanos? The mad Titan is likely licking his lips at the destruction these dolts are causing!
This isn’t heroism - it’s havoc! A destructive, dangerous display of egotistical idiocy! New York, we’re caught in the crossfire of this superpowered spectacle, and it’s about time we said ENOUGH! These so-called 'heroes' are nothing but MENACES!
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Semi-Final 1: Avengers vs Guardians of the Galaxy
As our space is invaded yet again by a cavalcade of armed rodents, berserk cyborgs and monosyllabic shrubberies, is it really the same old tired line-up of ex-cons, rogue science experiments and rehashed military recruitment poster boys we have to depend on for America's safety?
Quarter-Final 4: Asgard vs Avengers West Coast
It doesn't matter if you're god, man or just a jumped-up Alexa with a magic forehead rock. Get too slap-happy with your hammer, and eventually the nails are going to take notice.
Quarter-Final 3: S.H.I.E.L.D. vs Web Warriors
Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back - Spiderman has scuttled out of hiding once again, along with his supposed friends. Is there any such thing as a friendly spider?
Quarter-Final 2: Avengers vs Cabal
On one side, a rampaging, rage-driven monster who can't tell friend from foe.
On the other, a dogmatic maniac hell-bent on pursuing a deadly agenda come what may.
Quarter-Final 1: Defenders vs Guardians of the Galaxy
Say what you like about them, at least Cage and his pals are Earthers. Who asked these intergalactic interlopers to butt in anyway?
Round 8: Avengers West Coast vs Criminal Syndicate
You want to know what the true abomination is here? It’s America’s lack of vision in falling for these vultures. That’s what I call a shocker!
Round 7: Asgard vs The Invaders
Look what's come crawling out of the sea - another supposed emperor of a made-up country, stinking like low tide at Coney Beach. Someone needs to give this herring king a good fishing smack!
Round 6: Convocation vs Web Warriors
Property destruction, vandalism, assault, loitering, jaywalking, identity theft, trespassing, fraud, tax evasion, kidnap, libel and assault with a deadly weapon. Is there nothing that menace won't stop at?
Spiderman is a criminal!
Round 5: S.H.I.E.L.D. vs Spider-Foes
Who claims to keep America's honour clean? Why, it's a shadowy bunch of mercenaries too ashamed of their dark op tactics to show their faces. SHIELD says they're trying to protect us, but they seem far too concerned with keeping their own identities under wraps for my liking!
Round 4: A-Force vs Cabal
Looking great in a costume isn't going to be enough to win me over. Sure, the A-Force ladies are easy enough on the eye. Those shapely curves and slender cheekbones might trick many into overlooking their destructive tendencies. But the females of the masked species may be deadlier than the males.
Round 3: Avengers vs Hydra
There may be a day in the future when the honest workers of our proud land need a malformed, radioactive monster to stand up for them. Or Dorothy's Tin Man. Or a man in a bird costume, or someone almost too small to see. If that day is today, I'll eat both my moustache and my cigar hot for breakfast!
Round 2: Guardians of the Galaxy vs Wakanda
There might be a few of you who appreciate a touch of exotic spice in your shawarma wrap. When the powers that be declare we all ought to be adding Wakandan botanicals to our take-outs, I for one say ENOUGH!
Round 1: Defenders vs Sinister Six
Can I believe my eyes? It's all too easy to forget just how incompetent our city officials are. They told us Professor Able Zohemund, world-famous AI expert, would be visiting our fair metropolis this week, and what do they do?
Only announce his presence with a ticker-tape parade!
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A-Force
Asgard
Avengers
Avengers, West Coast
Cabal
Convocation
Criminal Syndicate
Defenders
Guardians of the Galaxy
Hydra
The Invaders
S.H.I.E.L.D.
Spider-Foes
Sinister Six
Wakanda
Web Warriors
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