KnockRat Quarter Final: Goliaths vs Chaos Helot Cult

 My eyes! What's happening to my eyes? They burn!

Calm down, Blaargh - it's just the radioactive glare of dead skies. Yes, we're outside! Welcome to the ash wastes, violence fans, for a very special quarter final match in this, the KnockRat tournament. 

We're coming to you live from Grey Hell Underpass, not a stone's throw from the famous Midden Gulch refinery, and we've got two teams ready to pull the everliving guts from each other. Let's meet them!

Benchpress 5000 make me want to work on my physique, Jarri!

If only you had one, Blaargh. These gangers are all fresh from their vats and ready to vent their rage. Skrunge Blackhead leads them, alongside his pet sump kroc Snappy. With Stimmer Kritical Massi and 'zerker Mister Fister to back them, you don't want to get close to these brick shithouses. 

Nobody wants to get close to the other team, either!

Stairway to Heathen are the very definition of wretched scum. A swarm of helot dressed in rags and despised by even the lowest of the low, but at least there's no shortage of them! Leader Bobby Plant keeps them vaguely in line with the threat of being turned into spawn, and she's got two with her today. Keep an eye on the twisted warp horror that is the Mothershit, but not too close lest you lose your feeble minds!

 

There sure are a lot of them, Jarr!

Eighteen by my count, Blaargh, and if there's one thing we've learned from every round so far, it's that numbers can be critical out there. If the Goliaths are nearly two-to-one out there, though, you have to bear in mind just how much tougher they are than the foe. Hulking armoured goons against a tide of dross? I'm looking forwards to this one!

Why do we have to be outside, though?

Well, Blaargh, the flavour for this match is vehicular retrieval. See the old wreck in the middle of the battlefield?

This one?

That's it, Blaargh - well, for the first time, this match isn't going to be settled by killing. This time, the winner is going to be whoever can drag that engineless shell back to their deployment zone. It's going to have to stay on the roads, that soft white ash is no place for wheels. And you're going to need teammates - dragging it is no easy task!

Hoobledy hoy, Jarr. You mean they're going to have to bunch up on the wide-open tarmac?

Oh yes, Blaargh. If there's one thing the crowds out here love, it's shooting dregfish in a feedtank! Now, it could take a while to get the car anywhere, and we don't want to draw the violence out indefinitely. 

Awww. 

So after the fifth round, if there isn't a clear winner, we're going to be seeing Bottle checks. Kill enough of your opponents, and you might just see them back off, leaving you with the car and us with the spectacle of carnage the kiddies pay for!

Yay! They're lining up now!

Starter's orders - and we're off!

Turn 1

You know what to expect from the opening moments, Blaargh?

Sure do, Jarr - they're all sprinting towards the middle!

Pretty much! The Heathen horde have three main pushes - a group led by their leader in the middle, staying behind the bridge, a group on the left led by a champion with a grenade launcher and a group on the right that is mostly wibbly tentacles. There's just so many of them, though, that it still leaves a pair at the back for fire support. 

Jean-Paul Bones and his vintage heavy stubber, right? 

That's him, Blaargh! No shots yet, but a promise of hard rain in the near future, I'd say. 

Those big fellas sure don't move fast, Jarr. 

Nope, the Goliaths are waddling over the ash like strangely muscular ducks. I've seen faster lines at the sump kitchen. Get a move on!

Turn 2

First shots fired, and the crowd are bitterly disappointed. It's smoke grenades!

They'e spoiling all the fun!

Mok Bigbarrel there, taking a firing position in the bunker and providing some much-needed cover as Skrunge and his trio of juves advance up the left flank. 

Over on the right, the Mothershit is shambling forward like an octopus on ketamine. It's brought it perilously close to giant bull-steroids man, Kritical Massi, and you can see him hitting the plunger on his stim-slug stash. Looks like clobbering time, Blaargh!

Aww, noooo, boooo, that's a cheap shot there! What kind of a low-life uses overwatch to stop a fight from happening?

Jean-Paul Bones, that's who. A quick spray of stubber fire from the rear tower and he's pinned the big ox. Folks, you know which dressing room he's in if you want to raise issues after the match! Luckily, Forge Boss Garbak Throatgrabber, Benchpress's number two, is picking up the slack. A quick jolt of kickemine to the eyeballs, and he's gone pounding straight into the terrifying ball of tissue that is the Mothershit. 

Look at that axe go! Bits everywhere! Hey, you hungry for sushi, Jarr? I'm hungry for sushi. 

Not the kind that snacks back, Blaargh. Garbak's nearly made slashimi of that beast, but it's just not enough, and with as much casual aplomb as a freakish mound of abberant sinew can muster, it's plucked up the plucky scrapper and tossed him down its throat!

Throatgrabbed! 

That's left both teams with nothing much to connect. A few stray shots have pinned the Goliaths here and there, but only after they've advanced up the roads, but the cultists are already about to swarm the centre. We could be about to see some grand theft auto!

I reckon with that car, it'll petty at best, Jarr!

Turn 3

The Goliaths are under pressure, now. There's a cluster of helots behind the car raining fire down on them from the middle and keeping them pinned. Skrunge and his juves are still moving up under cover of smoke, and the firepower elements of the Goliaths are doing a pretty good job of mopping up the cultist gunners on the right side. 

Helmawr's golden shaft, Jarr, did the Mothershit just go out?

It certainly did, Blaargh! It went crashing into Massi before he could get up, it's flubbed the attack and the big man-bull has finished the job his teammate started! 

It's down! The Mothershit is down!

Pinned and surely frustrated - that's some timely covering fire from Gallows Paul on the far right flank there. He's kept down himself by Furtle the Turtle's stub cannon, and there's a real firefight developing there. 

There goes the car!

Yes! Four cultists to get it moving, but it's rolling down the bridge towards the left, away from the incoming Goliaths! It's a sound plan, they've got their second spawn, Moby Dick, roiling forwards and tangling with Mister Fister. That looks like it's going to be quite the wrestling match. I don't know who's tougher!

While we wait for a result there, the Goliath leader is trying to get across the field to stop the helots running off with the car.

He just went wading! Not sure that's a good idea...

Yes, you never know what's lurking under the surface of those ponds. 

One of my ex-girlfriends, by the look of it!

Turn 4

The car is really rolling now, the cultists have a good momentum going. 

K-azongo! Not any more!

Yes, Skrunge has really made that shift across the flanks count! A burst from his combat shotgun, and Dash Mere has become part of the paintwork. Two of the others are fleeing for their sorry lives, and that means Bobbie Plant and Jim Ephage, the cult leadership, are going to have to step into the front line. 

They can't be happy with that, Jarri, it's not what they signed up for! Plus Kritical Massi is coming straight for them!

Well, sort of, Blaargh, the stimmer keeps getting put on the floor by some impressive covering fire from Gallows Paul on the far right. The Goliaths just can't seem to put him down, not for lack of trying!

Without their boss to help them, those Goliath kids are struggling on the right! 

So they are. Surrounded, out of cover now the smoke's dispersed and being picked off by grenades and autoguns. Lovely shot from Jason Confused up on the ruin there. Right in the feelies!

Come on, Benchpress! They might be on the back foot, Jarr, but you just know that if they manage to catch up to the helots they could easily swing this. They're taking a lot of firepower and they just ain't quitting!

Turn 5

Skrunge Blackhead is really pushing the initiative here. He's sent his sump kroc back to guard the rear and look! At! That!

That's one heck of a sandwich, Jarri, just awesome! Mealtime's over, and he's gone scuttling straight back to pops.

The cult are still keeping the car going, though, just a little further and it's all over. But my word! What a reversal!

Wha-boom! Frag grenade to the rescue!

An almost perfect shot from Mok Bigbarrel - he's moved out of his bunker and absolutely planted a beautiful shot right in amongst the cult carsnatchers. They've gone sprawling! The car was literally an inch from the finishing line, too. Surely that's going to give the Goliaths a moment to catch up?

I don't know, Jarr, Skrunge and Massi are going to have to cross a lot of empty space to get there. And Bones has got it all covered with that old stubber of his! 

True enough, Blaargh, and, yes, exactly as you've said, the Goliath leader is in the dirt, bleeding in several directions before he can get another step it. 

But the cow's really come home! Massi's picking him up, he's back on his feet, and the two of them are set to make a charge for the ages!

Turn 6

There they go! Before the culty boys can get back up, Skrunge has potshotted their leader with his shotgun! Kla-bam! 

Nobody there to pick him up when he needs it, they're still all cowering in the cacti nearby. I've haven't seen this many clean heels since that milliasaur burrowed into my shower. 

Massi's on the car! He's dragging it back single-handed! 

Incredible, Blaargh, that's quite literally what he's doing. One hand on the car and one on his axe! The Goliaths could be turning the tide here, although you've got to wonder if they can stomach the withering crossfire they're under for long. 

There's some good news from their rear lines, at least, as Mister Fister has finally finished off the spawn. He's back in the fight and running up to support by intercepting some cult stragglers as they try to cross the bridge and cut the Goliath leaders off. With him comes Mok Bigbarrel, launching grenades as he moves up, and he's toppled Jason Confused from his sniper vantage. 

But Jean-Paul's stubber is opening up again...

No! Aw, Jarri, that's just too sad to watch!

Speak for yourself, Blaargh, I don't mind who gets cut down in their prime as long as we get to see it. Kritical Massi, so nearly the hero of the Goliath hour, turned into so much steak by that deadly bullet hose. 

Turn 7

You got to feel for Benchpress out there, Jarr, they've given it everything and they got so close!

Absolutely, Blaargh, they've put in some incredibly valiant moves. But against the numbers and against the bullets, they've just run out of steam. There goes Skrunge Blackhead, cut down in a hail of lead, and some of his teammates are now abandoning the fray. 

Bottling out? Say it ain't so!

That's the state of affairs, I'm afraid, Blaargh. The Goliaths are cutting their losses, there's just no way they can get to the car past the shooters in that tower.  As the big men turn tail, those cowardly cultists are re-emerging from their cover to help Bobbie Plant take control of the car. And it's all over, they've gotten away with it!

If you say so, Jarr. Pretty sure that's the famous Route 3509 Minefield they're heading for...

My word, Blaargh, the Goliaths will be leaving some broken-hearted fans behind as they duck out of the tournament, they really gave the cult one heck of a run for their money!

You can't go away sad from a match where a crocodile ate someone, Jarr! 

And just like that, I've brightened up. Fantastic stuff, Blaargh, that's been some sterling violence out here in the wastes. Time to get back inside before we miss the last quarter final or before our sunburn becomes terminal! See you for Slave Ogryns vs Cawdor in the next match, we're going to leave you with some words from our sponsors as we head back for a cleanse in the hot tub!

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Kraken here, writing small so they can't hear us. Nauk Nauk is the app I've used to animate the photos. AI is a very mixed blessing - it's fun to muck about with it, and the edits it comes up with is an excellent representation of what's going on inside my head while I play a wargame (i.e. a lot of confused nonsense). 

At the moment it's a bit too slow as a process to stick in the blog as I need to convert everything to gifs. NaukNauk is super unpredictable in its results as well, not to mention to feeling of deep moral decline I get just using it (won't somebody think of the artists!). So it's a sideshow, but I'm certainly very entertained by it. I suspect it's going to get a lot more pervasive in the years to come, and I don't know whether to embrace/be enslaved by the future or avoid it like a survivalist/terrified luddite. 

You might also have noticed some very fine pre-painted mdf stuff on the table there. That's the Chroma range from TT Combat, the kickstarter for which I dropped a bit of money on last year. Excellent stuff, highly recommended at kickstarter prices and probably not too shabby at the normal fee. 

If anyone's remotely interested, the mechanic for wheeling the car was the same one as forcing open a bulkhead in Necromunda - roll a dice, add your strength, you need a 9. Plus two bonus for each friendly model in contact with it, but it uses up everyone's activation for the turn.