KnockRat Qualifier: Ironhead Squats vs Cawdor - Fight!

What time is it? Say it with me, violence fans, it's...

Knockramundout Time!

Hello and welcome to one and all, this is me, Jarribix Klabbs coming to you live from a wire mesh gibbet hanging from the ceiling above tonight's arena. With me as ever is my loquacious lump Blaargh, say hello Blaargh!

Whlaaaarrgghhll!

He's every bit as excited to be here as he smells, hivers, and just like Blaargh, it's going to be hot and hairy on the arena floor today!

Yep yep yep, Jarri, it's no small match tonight. Some of those gangers might be too big for their boots, but I have a little hunch tonight is going to dwarf anything we’ve seen so far!

Blaargh, you're saying a lot of words relating to size. Is that your way of telling the folks at home we've got Ironhead Squats in the mix tonight?

You got me, Jarri! Yes, it's the Squat Thrusters, joining us all from way out wherever in the wastes, sponsored by no less than sump boss Kraken. Let's give Doc, Shooty, Smashy and the rest of them what they'll never have - a big hand!

Don't be too sure, Blaargh, the Thrusters aren't just packing some of the most over-powered guns to grace the arena since the all-Vindicator Truck Rally. They've only gone and brought a Vartijan Exo-Driller along! Eight feet tall, a drill claw and massive flamethrower, now that's what I call largesse!

Now you're doing it, Jarri!

Up against these miniature miners, we have the holy rollers, the frenzied faithful, the punk rock monks - give it up for The Holy Order Of Knights from House Cawdor!

Just love that vocologue, Jarri. T.H.O.O.K! T.H.O.O.K! T.H.O.O.K! 

It's certainly easy to chant along to, Blaargh, and the crowd tonight is doing just that. Father Haque Cautery follows the Path of the Fanatic on his own personal road to redemption. Canon Bubonicus has vouched for this team’s zealotry, and he would certainly know!

Look to see this half-washed horde sprinting at full tilt across the decking, singing the psalms your mother taught you at the top of their crazed lungs. THOOK has speed, cheap bodies and self-flagellation in spades!

Exactly like my batchelor party, Jarri!

Don't remind me, Blaargh, I still use my weekends to nurse that particular hangover. How is your good lady wife?

As swollen and ripe as the day I met her, Jarri!

Glad to hear it! Let's sweep across tonight's arena, folks, and see what the floormeisters from H. Gorbu...

...You ice it, he'll dice it...

 ...have in store for the contestants tonight!

Jarri, I'm seeing something a little unusual out there. We've got the three lanes you know and love, but are those... balconies?

They certainly are, Blaargh - raised central areas on the outside lanes that look down into the central one. If the lack of cover out there wasn't enough, now there are shooting galleries to really make anyone heading for the central zone think twice!

Is that the usual central zone, Jarri?

No indeed, that's tonight's real twist. You've read the flyers, you've heard the announcements, now you can see it with your own eyes! Ringside+ Seats (TM), it's the newest and best way to see the violence up close and personal!

Choweee, Jarri! I sure wish it was me, strapped to that gurney in the middle of the arena and wearing the specially patented Killproof suit!

Maybe someday, Blaargh. Tonight, the Hive's first ever Ringside+ participant is a Mr. Von Disgruntled, a long-time listener and first-time target. Gangers can shoot or slap him to score points, but that suit will keep him completely safe!

Will it, Jarri?

We certainly told him it would. H. Gorbu has personally guaranteed that in the unlikely event of firearm-related audience depreciation, all scoring points will be deducted from the team that caused the fatality. 

Ooo hoo, I tell you, if that armoured suit wasn't so heavy that it made movement impossible, everyone would be wearing them!

And then we'd be out of a job, Blaargh. No, there's no danger of it catching on out there in the arena, where the random loss of life is surely the wholesome thrill that keeps us coming back for more. That's the starting klaxon, Blaargh, the teams are in place so let's see them go! 

Turn 1

Off to the races at last, Jarri, I thought the pre-show segment would never finish! 

You and me both, Blaargh. Mr Disgruntled has been released from his gurney, he's looking almost insane with what I choose to interpret as excitement, and here come the gangers!

Look at them go, Jarr! And woo, that Vartijan is really steaming ahead! What a Burst of Speed!

Well, that's the only surprise out there, I can't say as we're seeing anything unexpected otherwise. As usual everyone is sprinting pell-mell for the scoring zones. What's unusual is the mad abandon those Cawdor initiates are showing as they hurtle into the central lane. Just seeing the lack of cover out there makes me want to crawl into a vent and hide!

Father Cautery made some pretty impressive promises before the match, I heard, Jarri. 

Quickest way to the Holy Throne is through a martyr's death in battle, Blaargh?

No, he just told them what he'd do to their dirty bits if they didn't win the match. 

They're garbage-raking Cawdor, all their bits are dirty... oh, I see. Well, it's certainly more effective than half-time oranges! 

Score: Nil-all

Turn 2

Heyhowdyhoo, look at the bullets fly!

Now that's what we're here to see, folks, that's an absolute torrent of lead from the Squat Drill Master at the back. Ironhead Heavy Stubber, if I have the name right?

That's the gun, Jarr! Just a quick burst, and that squat is already ankle-deep in casings! I love it!

Just look at his target, though - he's taken holier-than-thou to a totally new level!

Gotta get me some of those Squat shooters, Jarri! Mining lasers? Super-fast melta guns? Shut up and take my creds!

If only they could connect a little more, Blaargh - all the firepower in the Hive isn't going to help you if you can't hit with it. Those mining laser shots are just singeing the balconies as a second Drill Master tries to bring Verger Mortlock closer to his god. 

And ding ding ding, there's scores on the boards! One of those Squats has just sprayed his payload over Von Disgruntled. The Killproofing really works!

Seconds later, and he’s down himself though, Blaatgh, maybe he should have concentrated on taking cover? 

Boo, Jarri, cover just hides the blood!

As both Squats and Cawdor pelt towards each other on the right side, there's a firefight already developing on the left. Biggy, the Vartijan pilot, has barrelled up the stairs and blind-sided the Cawdor on the balcony. Flames aplenty!

He sure was lucky to survive that, Jarr! The tallest shorty in the pack has the left locked down. The Squats are off to an early lead!

Scores: Cawdor 0, Squats 3 (left zone and a single hit on the Ringside+ objective)

Turn 3

That's Thierry Narthex on the right moving swiftly up towards the Squats. They've made a brave choice to climb that ladder, Jarri, they're looking a little bunched up!

Enough with the little jokes, Blaargh, you're going to get us in trouble. You aren't wrong about the Squats, though, Thierry is looking to take advantage - and that's a bomb rat! Our first bomb rat of the match!

I don't know what they tied to it, Jarr, but that was one hell of a fireball! 

There are plucky abhumans toppling in all directions. I can smell the singed eyebrows from up here! Really incredible that it hasn't completely cleaned up the entire Squat right. One of them's on fire, one of them's lying very still at the bottom of the ladder, but one is at the top, practically unscathed!

He must've gone to ground pretty fast. Means we're in for a fire sermon, Jarri! Gotta say, that Cawdor Priest has one heck of a singing voice!

House Cawdor officially frowns on the true castrati, as I hear it, Blaargh, that's probably why he's just punched himself down there before breaking into song. 

A sweet rendition 'And his feet carried him into the fray' all the same, Father Cautery has sprinted from nowhere to crash into the miner at the top of the ladder. And bosh! It's all over for him! 

Has the good father left himself a little exposed up there?

Budda-budda-bam, Jarri! That's Doc, the Squat Charter Master, twirling his bolt pistols as he strides to the bottom of the ladder. Right in the thuribles! If Cautery wasn't a true castrati before, he must be now. 

A Low Blow indeed, Blaargh, but a real high point for the crowd! Back in the middle, we're seeing some more of the Killproofing in action - the Cawdor are trying their best to ring Von's bell, but to no avail. 

As the unwashed pack shoot and miss, one of them has gone hell-for-leather forwards, trying to distract the heavy Squat gunners from mowing them down. With some success, too - we've just seen that mining laser put a new shaft right through what turned out to be nothing more than an improvised axe!

Look at the pretty flames over there, Jarr!

Oh yes, Blaargh, a real bonfire of the Vartijans. Biggy has over-reached, he's been lit up by Gabriel Lectern and his Fire Pike. 

The bigger they are, the brighter they burn!

Incredible action on all sides here, violence fans. Doc is picking his wounded team off the floor as the Cawdor muster round the scoring zones. All irons are in the fire, this could go anywhere from here!

Scores: Cawdor 5 (Left and right zones, two gangers down), Squats 4 (two gangers down)

Turn 4

Ooooo! That's got to hurt!

Vicious work from both teams here as they both work to mop up injured or incapacitated enemies. The Vartijan barely got a chance to burn up before Verger Mortlake has put a very well-aimed krak bolt right down the big Squat's faceplate, and I think that's Initiate Pierre Pew standing over the downed hull and pulling it to bits with a billhook. 

And its Nunc Dimittis for Father Jacques too - Doc has just hopped up those stairs and put him down before the other Cawdor could assist!

It's the Charter Master's turn to be caught in the open, though. One of the Cawdor has turned tail and fled, but not Deacon Grue - he's trying to cut the already truncated trooper even further down to size with his Eviscerator Chainsword!

All the faithful want a piece of that action. That's Enri Pulpit coming in from behind, and the Top Squat is down! 

Down but not quite out seems to be the order of the evening, Blaargh. There's one impressive fist-fight going on at the Squat end of the middle lane, an initiate screaming sacred psalms into the impassive face of that mining laser expert. They've been going at it hammer and tongs for some minutes, both landing some nasty blows but nobody willing to give up. 

There's still some nasty guns out there, Jarr! If that heavy stubber could just... Kapooowie!

Ouch! That's terrible luck - Verger Mortlake has just fired a frag bolt from his heavy crossbow, he's clearly tired of watching that initiate fail to take out the mining laser. A dreadful shot, the crude Cawdor weapon firing very far from true, but it's just veered straight into the Drill Master with the heavy stubber!

Unhurt, but really put out, Jarr, picking himself up has cost him valuable shooting time!

Their tech might be mighty, but they're looking very thin on the ground out there. Their last prospector just bit the dust on the left as Gabriel Lectern just cold-cocked him with the haft of his fire pike. There just aren't enough of them on their stocky feet to hold the line!

Scores: Cawdor 11 (Left and Right zones, a brute and two gangers down, plus a hit to the central target), Squats 7 (Leader and two gangers down) 

Turn 5

Closing seconds, and the Squats are going to have to pull something really special out to pull this one back. 

Great jumping jakaras, Jarri! That was not what they were looking for!

It really wasn't, Blaargh, that's a huge blow for their hopes! Some miraculous play by the Cawdor there, though, inspirational stuff. First, Initiate Pulpit finished off the wounded Chapter Master with a quick thrust from his polearm, leaving Deacon Grue clear to leap down the ladder and canonize both the Squats down there. These fanatics are incredibly fast moving, there's almost Escher levels of speed out there. 

And the bomb rat!

Yes, showing a truly Cawdor lack of respect for his own life, Brother Narthex primed a blasting charge, stapled it to a rat and then personally stuffed it down the neck of the wounded Squat Master's neck. No attempt whatsoever to get clear, but if it defeats the point of the rat, I'm not complaining. 

Looks like he was just thrown clear by the blast, Jarr!

Disappointing, he's going to miss out on however many sanctified virgins he's supposed to meet round the Throne. Not the case for the Chapter Master or Enri Pulpit, the Emperor is going to have to sort their blasted body parts personally!

I'd say that's the end of this match for the Squats, Jarr. 

Too true, Blaargh, but nobody's told Drill Master Stubby. He's planting his feet, he's swinging that big stubber round and paint me yellow and call me an Imperial Fist, Blaargh, that's just incredible!

Glabbabbbaaargghhh!

I know, Blaargh, I saw it too! Folks, an Ironhead Heavy Stubber can fire over seventeen thousand custom-tooled rounds in less than five seconds, and we just saw all of them! It's a last ditch effort to pick up the scores, pouring an absolute monsoon of lead down on Von in the Ringside+ Seat, and my goodness! Absolutely valiant effort, you certainly can't fault him for trying!

It's not going to be enough, though, Jarr, Cawdor is just too far ahead! Especially after one of the goons up on the shooting gallery has just leaned over and put a shotgun shell into the guy with the mining laser. Painful stuff. I just love it!

Final Scores: Cawdor 20 (Left and right, two more gangers, a leader and  two champions down), Squat 14 (two gangers, two hits on the Ringside+)

Tremendous stuff here tonight, Hivers and Wasters - you've just seen only the second of the great Houses get through to the quarter finals. House Cawdor making a pretty clean sweep of the Squats, and those of them limping back to their laagers tonight are going to feel very hard done by. 

They really did come up...

Don't say it, Blaargh!

Someone has to, Jarri - short! Hnyaa chnyach hnyaaa!