KnockRat Quarter Final: Escher vs Outcasts

 

There it is, Blaargh, our first glimpse of the fabled KnockRat Trophy!

Is that a real ersatzium crystal, Jarri?

It certainly is - fifteen credits' worth of the finest plastite gemstone available at the trading post!Welcome back, KnockRatters, we've got the first quarter final of our tournament here today! The veteran Escher Whipporwills take on the Outcast wasters of The Psyker's Bikers - expect carnage!

Maybe we should call it a warter final, Jarr?

What?

It's like a war out there, so 'war' instead of 'quar' -ter!

Warts on your brain as usual, Blaargh. Let's look at the teams!

Wes Warphead is leading his pyschic bike gang. It's a team of two halves - four mental champions on wastebikes, each packing some nasty psychic abilities and vicious wargear, and then a cloud of absolute chaff with whatever leftover weapons they could scrounge from the arena's lost-and-found bin. I see at least one sawn-off!

At least they've got Centipete with them!

Yes, the Beastmaster's milliasaurs took a heavy toll from the Squats in the qualifying rounds. Keep an eye out for his infiltrating antics! Kraken's sponsoring this band of misfits, and he's taken some speedy tactics cards for reasons that will become clear shortly!

In the other corner, it's the whippy wildcats, a big hand for those good old gals, the Whipporwills!

Queen Alsabelle Vert is my favourite, I've got all her posters!

I know, Blaargh, you insist on posting them on my abdomen. 

It's the only wall space I've got!

In some ways, the Escher team is like their opponents - a lot of strong champions in there. Dancing Jaqui's Nightshade Chem Thrower is capable of lifting huge chunks out of an enemy team if they can't keep spread out, and there are no less than two fast and deadly toxin wielders in this lynx pack - Jisai the Deathmaiden and Matriarch Rimas Dissolutas with her twin swords. 

Who's the other team out there, Jarr, the stinking wormfood?

We've covered them already, Blaargh, those are the outcasts. 

No, the corpse-like mindless killers!

Escher Deathmaidens are respected members of their community, Blaargh, I don't think...

No! That third team out in the middle!

I see - that's no team, Blaargh. Those are plague zombies!

Aaa!

We'd better explain - we're into Quarter Finals territory here, and the three-lane format of the qualifiers is behind us. Each of the Quarters will lead us deeper into the hell of the Underhive, and tonight, we've tasked each team with retrieving loot crates from a zombie zone!

But aren't plague zombies capable of turning you with a single bite?

And therein lies the fun, Blaargh! Our players can't ignore them, they're all over the prize boxes to start with, and liable to infect any gangers who get too close. Kill them, and you're sparing your opponent the trouble as well as possibly luring more of the shambling horrors in! It's going to be great!

Brrrroloick!

Exactly! And if those zombies weren't enough, here's tonight's arena - knee-deep in sump juice!

All that juicy green won't slow you down, but the smell alone can bring a vat-grown goliath to his knees. Lingering in the damp parts saps even the toughest ganger. Pray you don't end up face down in the slime!

Plus it never washes out, even on 90 degrees!

The teams are setting up - spreading out along their scoring zones. There are six crates out there, and for points, they just have to drag them back to home. Of course, they can still score by killing their opponents, we're not looking to make this too tactical!

There's the milliasaurs with 'Pete, sneaking forwards already! Sound the klaxon, Jarri, it's Quartering Time!

Turn 1

Straight out of the gates, we're seeing some incredible speed from both sides here! Now, I've got to say, the bookies have been very much against the Bikers. Wheels in the Underhive might sound like a recipe for disaster what with all the stairs and such, but let me tell you, the extra distance they can cover makes them an immediate threat. 

I'm with the bookies here, Jarr - give me a pair of legs any day of the week! 

Ironic given your historic lack of them, Blaargh. 

See - that outcast can't get the door open. Her hands are stuck on the handlebars and her pals are too dumb to work the lock!

Good point, Blaargh - nothing wrong with Shank's Pony, and the Escher seem to have the express versions! Look at them taking the middle of the field!

Bazooza! Queen Alsabelle is already laying into the zombies! 

A swift lick of her shock whip, but it's not enough - the zombie lunges back and it's torn a hole in the Esher Queen!

Escher whips? Ripped clothing? I need a cold shower, Jarri!

A decontamination shower, more like, Blaargh. At the south end, Centipete is showing the Escher how it's done, herding his horrors into the zombie by the crate and cackling as they chew it to shreds. 

He's not laughing now, though, Jarr - here comes Dancing Jaqui!

Oh my - that's a huge cloud of hallucinogenic steam, Blaargh, and the illegal beastmaster is coughing up his own lungs! Without him to herd them, the Milliasaurs are heading straight back into the dirt. Looks like the Escher have the south flank sewn up! 

Not the north, though. Look at that! A plague zombie has got careening into Jisai, the Deathmaiden. 

Must be love, Jarr!

More like lunch, Blaargh - like attracts like, at any rate! With a quick chomp to the thigh, the Deathmaiden has switched teams, and it looks like a couple more zombies are emerging from the sewers to surround the Sisters on the north side! 

Scores: Outcasts nil, Eschers 1 (choked out the Beastmaster)

Turn 2

The Bikers have the edge here and they're looking to push it! Tash, their resident telepath, is eyeing up the incoming Escher Matriarch. 

I got chills, Jarri! Think he's going to fry her mind?

I don't know, Blaargh, that's what we were all hoping for. Seems he's just squinting awkwardly at her instead, and, yes, he's reaching for his shotgun instead. Overthinking never pays off in the Underhive - that's a missed shot and a wasted opportunity. 

Don't see the ladies hanging about like that!

Not at all - they don't wait to be asked in these parts. Tash goes down in the flash of a needle rifle, bike or no bike, and the Twins are pinned behind cover under a hail of las shots. 

Meanwhile the Outcasts have finally figured out that door and a third bike champion is roaring into place, backed by Wes himself. And just in front of them come a tide of zombies, champing at the bit!

Woooo-eee! They sure don't go down easy!

Like a porcupine smoothie, they certainly stick in your craw! The Escher are fending them off well in the middle, but look at that wave of zeds up north - they're buried in the dead!

And the dead keep getting up!

Yes, they're fighting their own casualties. Grim stuff - I love it! Not all bad news for the Escher though, look at that!

Spa-jaff! A long squeeze of the trigger, and Dancing Jacqui just gassed a bunch of outcasts!

I can almost smell her special blend from here, Blaargh - pink, clinging and causing insanity, not unlike a certain blood relative of yours. 

Aunt Maureen!

Wes Warphead and his Pyro champion both down in that calamitous crop spray. Where does that leave the match?

The Escher have the south flank and are starting to extract the loot. Looks like the Zombies have the north sewn up, but there's plenty still to play for the middle!

Scores: Outcasts nil, Escher 4 (nailed a leader and a champ)

Turn 3

Struggling to right their bike, the Twins have still managed to get up off the floor. Firepower to spare there, they've launched a grenade into the pack of Eschers in the middle!

Talk about a krak amongst the pigeons!

Frag, actually, Blaargh - not much effect overall, but a few bruised egos on the floor all the same. Matriarch Rimas has their backs, though - in an absolute blaze of tactical activity, she's darted forward, skewered an Outcast with her needle rifle before he could abscond with a crate and then made a play for the Twins!

Crazy long legs, Jarr! Just not quite long enough!

No, she's missed that charge by a hair, which leaves her staring down the barrel of the Twins' heavy stubber. 

Despite the drubbing they're taking, the Outcasts still have bodies to spare, and it's just starting to tell. They've grabbed three of the crates, and are either dragging them away to safety or getting ready to do so. 

No Escher left up north now, all three of them are now zombified. The entire swollen pack is starting to shuffle back towards the centre, so that's where we're likely to see the climactic action in the moments to come!

Scores: Outcasts 2 (a crate), Escher 8 (various gangers, another champion and a crate)

Turn 4

The Whipporwills have the edge here, but the Bikers are desperately scrabbling to stay in the game - they've stolen the initiative and are leading with the Twins. There's that heavy stubber we've been expecting!

Drubba-da-drubba-da-drubba! Love that sound!

Hail Mary full of lead - down goes the Escher Queen, riddled with shot! Rimas Dissolutas has taken a hits too, and she's on the floor. 

But not out! 

No! That's an incredible display of acrobatic flipping - she might be bloodied, but she's not worried! Right back up on her feet and vaulting over the Twin's handlebars, and you won't be surprised to hear that a pair of motorheads aren't coping well with this lone combat ace. 

Their face is slayed! Their face is slayed!

She doesn't even grace them with a coup-de-grace, leaving them instead to the tender ministrations of the incoming horde of zombies as she skips nimbly away to the nearby crate. No further than that, though!

Shame!

Yes, she's taken a cheeky laspistol to the head, and her crate has changed hands once again as Parajill of the Outcasts flanks her from behind a pillar!

Jacqui is still power washing the entire south flank!

That's one washerwoman I wouldn't want to tangle with, Blaargh. If cleanliness is next to godliness, she's one holy terror. All the same, the Outcasts have managed to slip away with another box. 

Scores: Outcasts 7 (another crate, a leader and a champ), Escher 11 (a crate passed home via a cunning bucket chain plus another champ)

Turn 5

The zombies are piling in from the north like cheap extras in a Grr Martin adaptation. There's a plucky Outcast trying to rush back out and claim a last minute crate, but he's run straight into them. 

And as Dancing Jacqui finishes her rinse cycle, there isn't an outlaw left with functional lungs to face her. The Escher are still standing, their crate runners are coming back out to provide covering fire as the last Outcasts drag crates to safety, and I'd say there's a clear winner!

Final Scores: Outcasts 9 (a last crate), Escher 14 (another three on total kills racked up when we got round to tallying them)

Wahoweee! Now that's what I call Necromunda, Jarr! Classic action and an incredible victory for a clear winner!

I completely agree, Blaargh, those Plague Zombies swept the board there. Team manager Karloth Valois is going to be absolutely delighted with that result, as will many of the bookies tonight as they avoid paying out to any of the disappointed gang fans. 

Gotta hand it to the Escher gals, though, second place is still pretty great!

Yes, and I'm just hearing now that the zombies are sadly going to be disqualified - no entry form filled out, if what the referee is telling me is true. It's a sad day for Necromunda when paperwork takes precedence over the straightforward gore-strewn family spectacle that keeps our loyal fans coming back each season. 

I want to be a zombie when I grow up!

You're a strange, sad creature, Blaargh, I'll say that for you. Tune in for the next Quarter soon, violence fans!

Back to the wastes for you, Wes!