Savage Orc Tournament, Day #1: Ham Fisted

Vs Daemons of Khorne

Bigtrotta rocked back comfortably on the saddle of his boar, Gumpdrop. He had managed to slip away from that over-cautious shaman, Skullfink, and gathered enough of the lads together for some proper bashing.

Across the field, the blood-red daemons gnashed their pointy teeth in barely-contained anticipation of the slaughter. Bigtrotta vaguely remembered Skullfink warning him about how dangerous red daemons could be, and how they had annihilated another Waaagh! not so long ago.

But that didn't matter, since these surely couldn't be the same red-bellied combat monsters with chariot-driven cannons. What were odds of that happening?

"'Ere they come!" warned Pigwaaagh, a lesser shaman who had been sent by Skullfink to spy on his boarboyz. Bigtrotta looked and, sure enough, a host of the red devils were advancing towards them, led by what appeared to be a monstrous hound.

"Right ladz, let's get started," Bigtrotta dug in his heels, but before his mount could put forward one trotter, it abruptly stopped. Bigtrotta turned around to see one of the other boars had started biting on Gumdrop's tail. He punched the impudent pig on the snout, then added another punch for its owner. All the other boarboyz joined in with the squabble, the horde of daemons quite forgotten.

That old familiar feeling....

Bigtrotta couldn't remember much after order had been restored. The massed ranks of daemon had suddenly fallen upon them, and whatever orcs that survived the initial onslaught immediately decided they would rather be elsewhere. Bigtrotta was thrown from Gumdrop's back and trampled into the mud by a dozen red-taloned feet.

Looking to his left, he saw the small unit of arrer boys take pot shots at three heavily armoured juggernauts, and promptly getting ridden down for displaying such deluded optimism. To his right, the mob of Big 'Uns, led by Rokhamma, were giving a better account of themselves against the daemon forces. Both the dog-commander and the daemon herald were crushed by stone axes until the juggernauts arrived to add their weight to the press.

The Big 'Uns scattered, and Rokhammer hauled his battered body aboard the final chariot to make his getaway from the battlefield. Bigtrotta was forced to admit that Skullfink may have been right: those red daemons were pretty tough after all...

vs Warriors of Chaos

Skullfink da Arkane stood upon his stone cairn and pondered. He'd been sent on this mission by his warboss Bonekrunk, who in turn had been sent by the god Gork (or possibly Mork), which made it very important. Which made him very important. He already knew he was an important orc, which is why he insisted on his cairn being carried around wherever he went.

Skullfink breathed deep and summoned the power of the Waaagh!. He could call upon the fists of Gork, the hand of Gork, and the foot of Gork. And that was quite a lot of Gork. There weren't many bits of the god left that would have been any use.

Facing him were the ironclad humies that worshipped the dark gods. Chariots pulled up around the flanks - not the ramshackle constructions that his lads used, but big metal machines pulled by ferocious beasts. A small group of armoured warriors held the centre. A sorcerer was scooting around on a flying disc somewhere. And over the right, three juggernaughts were advancing slowly. If the surviving boarboyz from Bigtrotta's ill-fated skirmish were to be believed, those metal monsters needed avoiding.

As the boarboyz and chariots advanced to protect his flanks, Skullfink centred himself in large mob of Big 'Uns, Da Bone 'Eadz. Calling upon the power of the orky gods, a massive green foot appeared from nowhere and squashed flat half the armoured humans. Rattling his bones with glee, Skullfink directed the foot onto the juggernauts, whereupon it promptly bounced off. Skullfink cursed Gork for his weakness, and the god promptly stepped on the mob of Big 'Uns, killing five outright. Skullfink noted the lesson: Gork didn't have a sense of humour.

What remained of the armoured warriors had marched within range of the boar chariot, which duly charged right into them. With a commanding gesture, Skullfink sent forward their sole river troll, Pansy, to lend his aid to the combat. The unusual combined-arms attack must had caught the humans off-guard, because when the dust had settled, every unit was destroyed, leaving only a standard bearer in the wake.

One unit of boarboyz had done such a good job of avoiding the juggernauts that they were now in the enemy's rear. They charged at the horse-drawn chariot and did surprisingly well against. Twice the charioteers were ready to flee, and twice the sight of their battle standard kept them in the fight.

As the juggernauts ploughed through the other unit of boarboyz (whose evasion tactics had finally taken a bad step), Skullfink decided it was time the Bone 'Eadz took a more direct role. With the power of Gork, the entire mob was lifted skywards and hurled halfway across the battlefield, ready to receive the charge of the standard and the gorebeast chariot.

"Oi!" screamed Skullfink, as the gorebeast chariot dashed out of sight on one flank. "Where iz you goin'?" he added, as the standard dashed away to the other flank and helped the chariot destroy the remaining boarboyz.

No-one was going to fight Da Bone Eadz. It looked like the humies preferred to take victory over a good kicking. It seemed there was one more body part of the orky gods he hadn't considered...

The Arse of Gork had just crapped all over his plans.