KnockRat Qualifier: Goliaths vs Venators

And we're back! 

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!

Nobody thought that, Blaargh, and it's certainly not water - this is Necromunda! Welcome back, violence fans, it's been a long spring. The annual carnibou migration is behind us now, and with our stadium finally free of flesh-eating mutant deer, it's time for some summer fun with our summer guns. I'm Jarribix Clabbs, the scab with the gab, and with me as ever is Blaargh the Garrulous Goitre. What are we here for tonight, Blaargh?

N-N-N-KnockRat!

You got that right, Blaargh - at long last, it's the eighth heat of our qualifiers. One last dose of brutality before we know which teams are into the quarter finals. Let's meet tonight's gangs!

Goliaths! Those are Goliaths!

Correct Blaargh, that is indeed a line-up of the unmistakable ubermen from the House of Chains. Vat-bred fatheads one and all, let me hear a big Necromunda welcome for Benchpress 5000!

I like the boss, his kroc is cute!

That's certainly a word you can use to describe things, Blaargh, I won't deny you that. Yes, Scrunge Blackhead is a keen sump kroc breeder in his spare time. I hear they're surprisingly protective of their owners, and Snappy there is a prime specimen if ever I saw one. Quite possibly brighter than the rest of the team, too, particularly their 'Zerker. 

Is that a man or a moose?

Mr Fister's animal growth hormone intake is the stuff of local legend, and if he's slightly less person-shaped than average, I'm not going to be the one to raise it with him.  

Who'd even dare step in the ring with these guys, Jarr?

Bounty Hunters, Blaargh, plain and simple. They're not here for the love of it, they're here to get paid. Venator teams like Alva Breskimov's Hangmen will only come for you if there's profit involved. Entering the tournament was their quickest way of getting their mitts on these steroid-maddened morons. Unpaid gym membership fees, I heard - it's not uncommon in the nightmare Underhive!

They sure have a lot of guns!

Breskimov's well-paid and well-armed. Her right-hand man, Dimitri Grinder, packs a hell of a punch with his power hammer, and the rest of the team bring a lot of plasma, poison and pets. Not to mention Gonk, their technicolour Ambot!

Didn't you used to have a bounty, Jarri?

Moving swiftly on, let's take a look at the arena tonight!

It's the classic Qualifier set-up, the good old triple tunnel. A sewage refinery on the left, an abandoned barracks on the right and plenty of wide-open spaces in the middle. You'd really expect the ranged firepower of the Venators to shine out there, especially against a Goliath team who's best ranged weapon is a comedy-sized stub gun. 

I dunno, Jarri, the Goliaths are packing smokes!

True that - both grenades and launchers. They're not so quick on their feet as some, though, and every moment spent putting up smokescreens is going to be a moment they're not heading for those vital middle scoring points. Not that the Venators are the fastest team either! Whether it's their age or simply too much gun, they're no faster than the knuckleheads they face. 

They're getting set up! 

Yes, we're seconds away! The Venators are taking a final look at the latest bounty board updates, the Goliaths are doing one-handed archer press-ups and the crowd is doing Mordian Waves, where they throw improvised incendiaries onto the pitch in the manner of the famous Guard regiment's artillery barrages. And there's the starting klaxon!

Turn 1

Off to the kind of start we've come to expect - both teams splitting up and sending a few of their hopefuls down each lane.

Smokes out!

Yes, the Goliath specialist Mok Bigbarrel is covering the advance there. Or he would be if his teammates were advancing along the left-hand wall, but sadly they're over the other side. Poor shooting there indeed!

At least it's shooting, Jarri! 

Yes, there's not much action out there yet as the gangers bound towards each other. But it won't be long!

Scores: Nil all

Turn 2

There we go. No smoke without fire, and here it comes!

Flazash! I loves me a photon grenade, Jarr!

Right on the money, too - excellent shooting from the Venators' leader there, her grenade has left two of the Goliaths bamboozled and blinded. They're going nowhere!

Nobody's going anywhere much, Jarr. They're slower than a Squat in tanglefoot!

Slow, or boxing clever, Blaargh? Neither team wants to let the other side get stuck in first, I'd say, although the Venators can afford to hang back a little so their guns can do some work. As with the Venator's hired gun, bounty hunter Clunk Westtimber, who's plasma gun is... oh no! That's bad luck!

Why is his gun smoking, Jarri? Has it got a built-in smoke cloak? 

No, that's what you typically see from cheap plasma refills. Somebody's been skimping on the ammo, and it's going to cost him - no more supporting fire from Clunk!

Shame!

Well, no more plasma, anyway. Like any good Venator, he's got a back-up. A long-las! As he gets it set up, his teammates are already scoring. Gonk is set up on the right side, so it's first score to the Venators!

Score: Venators 2 (right side), Goliaths nil

Turn 3

Now the teams are danger close, and it's all hanging on who gets the drop on who... and there we go!

Go-go Goliaths! 

Yes, that's Mr Fister pounding forwards, snorting a huge face-full of illegal dopes as he goes. Straight into the ambot with nothing but his outsized fists!

Whambot! He's decked!

Yes, the mining robot is down! Fister's not even pausing to finish it off, he's too impetuous. Straight into another plasma gunner, Kolgorsky of the Hangmen. He's backing off as quick as he can, just avoiding the bull's fists, but he's made it! He's taking the shot - bam! Maximal power to the bull's face!

Talk about bovine justice!

All the same, the Venators have been pushed back from the right-hand flank. Can they do better on the far side?

Woa-hoa-hoa-ho, Jarri, that's one tasty shootout brewing in the sewage!

I'll say, Blaargh - Grinder has let loose his dogs on the Bully Slegg. The sheer toughness of those Goliath juves is nothing short of remarkable. Look at him go, pitbulls clinging to both shins and he's still wading forwards, pistol whipping the dogs off him!

His buddy's going in to help! 

No, he's had to hit the deck - Yelena Dirgima providing timely covering fire for her partner's pets there, keeping the young swole down in the dreck. Grinder himself is powering slowly forward in his trademark heavy carapace. Goliath boss Skrunge is peppering him with salvos from his combat shotgun to absolutely no effect, the Venator must have Nerves of Steel to keep coming in the face of that firepower!

I'd be quaking in my boots, Jarri!

If boots you had, Blaargh, if boots you had. 

Over to the middle, and we're seeing Brezkimov pushing forwards to the central scoring plate under covering fire from Westtimber's rifle. But the hunter just can't put those dermally-hardened Goliaths down, she might be making her play too early here...

Scores: Venators 4 (middle), Goliaths 3 (right plus the Venator's brute)

Turn 4

And look at that!

What a rush!

Forge boss Gorbak Throatgrabber just lived up to his name! Brezkimov's been caught out by a sudden turn of speed, or, well, massive snort of speed by the big ganger. Looks like she's doing well despite taking a Renderizer axe to the chest, though, she turned the worst of it with her chainsword. And she's cut him back! There goes his arm!

Hold up there, Jarri, wouldn't celebrate just yet. A chainsword's not going to cut it with a stimm-stoked Goliath!

Good call, Blaargh, you're quite right. No, down she goes, completely outmatched there, he's just picked up his own severed limb and clobbered her over the head with it. 

Does he even know it's off?

I doubt he even knows it's his, Blaargh. Bad news for the Venators - their leader is down!

It's not over yet - here comes Dmitri!

Hammer in hand, he's leapt on the Goliath boss before he can get his screen of worthless juves in order. But he's forgotten something!

Krocodillo Bombardino! Lalalalaaaaa!

Yes, a well-fed sump kroc is liable to lunge at anyone threatening her food supply. Snappy has counter-charged the heavy hunter. Heavy carapace may keep your vital organs safe from buckshot, but it's not much use when your leg's in the 'gator's gob. 

It's not putting him off! Look at him go!

Extraordinary! One leg being torn to pulp, and he's still got the cohones to stave the Goliath captain's head in with an absolutely crushing blow there!

Pretty heroic! Shame about being surrounded and outnumbered, I guess. 

Yes, it's a numbers game on the arena floor, and as we've seen time and again, the team that can throw the most meat in the grinder often comes through. So it is here - down goes Dimitri, hit in the back by juvenile bully Brekk. Total chaos on the left side, dogs running hither and yon, the Venators down to a single player and she's both too far off and too slow to contribute much there. 

What's going down on the right?

Goliaths, mostly! Plasma gunner Astrov is a fast shooter - as the Goliath stimmer Critical Massi comes charging towards him, he's just blasted him point blank and dropped him! And if that wasn't enough, he's still shooting, trying to pick off Mr Fister before he can get back up. No!

Smoke again!

He's run dry! That's the downside to multiple shots, you burn through your ammo that much faster. Terrible news for the Venators, especially as young Astrov doesn't have a sidearm. 

How's he going to deal with three Goliaths with no guns?

Just like any of us would - from the bottom of his deck, Blaargh!

Scores: Venators 6 (two from taking out the Goliath leader), Goliaths 13 (six from all three objectives, three from a leader and a champ down)

Turn 5 

I'd say that's a more-than-convincing lead the Goliaths have, there, Blaargh, wouldn't you?

I'd just say they're winning more, Jarr. 

More pimple than poet as ever, Blaargh. As the closing moments of this brutal clash tick past, we're seeing the Goliaths going completely ham on the surviving Venators - a pair of bullies mushing Yelena's face into the sump over on the left, whilst Throatgrabber is handily piledriving Westtimber even though he's run out of combat drugs. 

All that's left is Astrov Kolgorsky and his empty plasma gun on the right, and he's not even making a play for it. At that range, he knows there's nothing he can do against beefcakes of that magnitude. 

Sad!

In a way, Blaargh, although looking at how the crowd is taking this, I'm clearly not the only watcher feeling a deep sense of relief at seeing the burly hulks defeat the bounty hunters!

So you do have a price on your head! What're you worth, Jarr, spill it!

A gentleman never tells, Blaargh. 

Awww. 

497 credits.

Final scores: Venators 6, Goliaths 19

And that's the Qualifying rounds wrapped up! Eight tremendous games, some genuine upsets - any favourite moments, Blaargh?

That bit when the people got hurt, Jarri!

It's like you can read my mind, Blaargh. Incredible stuff, violence fans. Join us as we head into the Quarter Finals. A new arena, a new way to play, the same old murderous hostility. Here's the next matchups!

Match 1 : THOOK vs Pug's Uglies

Match 2 : The Psyker's Bikers vs Whippoorwills

Match 3 : Stairway to Heathen vs Benchpress 5000

Match 4 : Murder Meat vs Afanc Fans

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