KnockRat Qualifier: Spyrer Hunting Team vs Slave Ogryns - Fight!

Blaargh here, KnockRatters! Jarri's out this week, he caught the hyperleprosy that's been doing the rounds. Doc says he'll have him right as rain soon as he gets creds, so scabbedy-roo, I've bet all our savings on tonight's match!

Gonna be a great one tonight, violence fans, I feel it in my jelly! A real wild matchup, no kidding - down-and-outers from right down hive bottom way coming up against the rich kids from way up yonder. Slave Ogryns against a Spyrer Kill Team! Yarooooo!

Not many of us out there who've seen real live Spyrers and walked away from it! Guess that's why the stands are kind of empty tonight. This whole hive is one big arena to these guys and gals, and nobody wants to risk them running out of kills on the pitch. Pity - just having them here pretty much doubles the chances of a real live bloodbath, my favourite kind!

This team's called the Forbes Four. It's the full set! Orrus, Malcadon, Jakara and Yeld. The Jakara's the team leader, and she's got her lucky Caryatid with her. You guys find those flappy babies kind of freaky too, right? I sure do! 

They all come from a Noble House I'd never heard of, House Stylus. Hope they do some cool kills for us, hivers!

Me and Jarri were talking about whether anything can stand up to the kind of crazy tricks a Spyrer team can pull. Jarri reckons if anything can, it's the big fellas they're up against tonight. Give 'em a quick whiff of stims, and nothing's gonna knock them out short of dropping a whole spire on 'em! Loboslaves might be kind of slow, but they've already gone right ahead and gotten rid of the weakest point in their bodies - their brains! If you can't feel it, it can't kill you, right? 

Anyway, some outlaw chieftan called Jhnlk paid the Guild to look the other way so Pug's Uglies could enter. Pretty sure nobody paid the leaving fee, though, so if they don't get killed, we just keep the gates locked 'til we figure out a way to claim the reward on 'em. Win-win!

Aaaww, Jarri said I had to do this bit, tell you guys about the arena. That's his thing, he usually does the lay-of-the-land stuff. I'm just here for the brutal murdering!  

Not that much to say, though, which suits me. We got our three lanes, there's kind of a gantry thing on the left there, everything's kind of rusty - you know the drill! There's no drill this time, though, just stairs and things. Stairs are hard, I hate them! Always make me glad Jarri's got the legs.

Pug and his guys are already out there in the arena. Looks like they're repainting the floor and scraping the clots out of the guttering. Old habits die hard!

Most of the Spyrers are over the other side, drinking cocktails and having a manicure while their suits finish charging. Not the Malcadon, though! That guy's already creeping towards the Ogryns. Guess he's not waiting for the starting klaxon to get to the killing. I get it, this pre-show stuff is hard for me too!

Big guys who hit you with wrenches or the most expensive death-toys Necromunda's got - I dunno what I'm most excited to see in action! Wraaggheeee!

Turn 1

Whooo-oooo, straight out the gate and into the fight! Everything's running at the middle like a ratling at the slopper's bell. And boy can those Spyrers move - the Yeld's made an awesome swooping assault, his arm lasers are pewing like a church on fire! 

It's not wowing the Ogryns, though. The Orrus is spraying the lead Loboslave with explosive rounds, he's taken off most of its left ear and a couple of fingers. It might even realise it by next week!

And zabow! The Malcadon just swung straight into action! I knew he was antsy, I just didn't know how much! Zipping straight past the scoring zone, the spiky spiderman's gone full tilt into one of the Ogryns. He's ripping and tearing and there's not much left of the big guy. They say emancipate the slaves, but the Malco heard emasculate!

But! The chunky lug isn't taking that lying down! Bleeding out, lungs literally hanging out of him on all sides, and he just got back up anyway! He's taken his own innards, wrapped them round the Malcadon and burst my bubbling bubo if he didn't just squish the life right out of the rich kid! Sure is a pity there's no crowd tonight, they'd have gone wild for that!

Scores: Spyrers 4 (middle and left zones), Ogryns 1 (they clobbered the Malcadon)

Turn 2

Old Yeldo'd got the left side to himself there, but I can see he's feeling kind of shifty! Rather than trying to hold the middle against Thug, the Ogryn Underboss, he's swooshed right over him, heading for the back lines and spitting lasers as he go. Do Ogryns even feel laser? Isn't it like dogs and colour?

Popatta-pop, the Orrus just found his range! Scratch one Loboslave - doesn't matter how slow you feel pain, having no head at all is going to register somewhere. Ogryns are real buddies to each other, though, Mug must have heard his pal go down and has just kicked a door in from the right side, looking for some payback!

The Jakara's making a play for him! Leaping over the pipe, she's looking for an ambush - but she's too slow! I couldn't make this up, she's the Spyrer Team Leader wearing a rig that's supposed to be super zippy, but she's not quite made it through the doorway. No, that's an interception! 

Lug's just taken a big sniff of something spicy from his stim-slug stash and come thundering into the leggy Spyrer! Ka-sock! That kind of force would have stopped a Cargo-8! She's been bounced off the bulkheads like an Enforcer's snitch. I can't believe she's not butter! That suit's tougher than it looks. 

And there's the Orrus, stomping in to save her, he's blindsided the big guy. Splatatch! I didn't know a spine could do that! Og-rinsed! It's given the Jakara some space to get her breath back. 

Not sure if Pug even knows there's a fight on, he's over by the scoring zone on the right side and he's got a polishing kit out. Heck of a shine on the relic there!

Scores: Spyrers 6 (1 for a Yeld in the deployment zone, 1 for a pair of gangers taken out), Ogryns 3 (the map's not quite right, the Underboss didn't quite reach the left scoring zone this turn, but they got the right for 2 points)

Turn 3

Looks like the Orrus has a taste for blood now! He's dropped what's left of Lug and gone straight for Mug in the doorway there. Gotta admire an Orrus suit, he's nearly the same height as his target. And it's the old one-two, a quick pair of power knuckles to the gut and the Ogryn's out cold!

Not before his boss has finally smelled the trouble, though! There he goes, twisting the delivery dial on his stim-slugs, and wooo momma, is he doped to the eyebrows! Big man's got a real spring in his step, he skips straight up to the Orrus, gets him on the business end of that big old arc welder he's carrying and crazackle! Must be, what, sixty gajillion watts he's just forced through the heavy Spyrer's charging port! No getting up from that!

Kind of a rout starting to happen here, the Ogryns got off to a slow start, but the Spyrer team have nothing that can even scratch them when they're juiced up on goofballs! The Yeld's flapping round at the back there, zapping away with his raygun, but I can't see that giving them more than a light tattoo. The Jakara isn't even going to try and tackle Overboss Pug, she's falling back to the middle for some scores. They're holding a lead for now, but it's not going to last unless they can bag some big game!

Scores: Spyrers 10 (two on the middle, one for the Yeld in the back zone, one for a second pair of gangers), Ogryns 6 (two from the left, one from scragging the Orrus)

Turn 4

Pug's already out of stimms! Wow, he went through that faster than a Goliath through a protein shake. Can almost see the hangover starting already! Not that it makes him much easier to take down. The Jakara is staying well back, maybe Pug's going to start mopping something instead. 

Her Yeld pal is still hovering about at the back taking potshots. Might as well be with a laser pointer for all the effect it's having! 

OH YEAH! Now that's something! Pug just whipped out a bottle of cleaning fluid, stuck a rag in it and lobbed it at the Jakara. He fried her, a genuine Spyrer pyre! That's one right in the eye for the rich kids. It don't matter how much your fancy suit costs if you don't get it fireproofed!

Now the Spyrers have real worries! Only one of them still up, and one heck of a tall hill to climb. Two whole Boss Ogryns - that's what I call a BO problem!

Scores - Spyrers 11 (one from the backline Yeld again), Ogryns 12 (four from the middle and right zones, two for nailing the Spyrer's Leader)

Turn 5

Squeeze me dry and call me a dimple, the Ogryns are pulling some smart plays out there! Thug just went to ground behind some crates, there's no way the Yeld can shoot him off the scoring zone there. Gotta give the winged fella his due, he's not going to stop trying!

One quick wingover and he's actually charging into Thug! Don't think the Underboss saw that coming, he's just standing there and taking it. Taken some pretty deep cuts, too, but nothing he couldn't do without. 

Nothing's going to change the scores now. Sure enough, Pug's swapping out his arc welder for a power waxer. That's a clean sweep from his crew!

Final scores: Spyrers 11, Ogryns 16 (another four on objectives in the last round)

Awooo-woooo-woooo! I could have watched that Jakara burn all day, hivers! Great vibes from the Ogryn team, really something special to see the real underdogs of the nightmare undercity rising up and doing some pretty solid work out there in the arena. 

Blaargh? What's going on?

Look at that, listeners! Jarri's just woken up, and boy is he going to be sore when I tell him what he just missed! Not as sore as when he finds out where I bet his stash. Join us next time for the last qualifier of the KnockRat, it's going to be House Goliath against a dedicated Venator team, gotta go now, Jarri's reaching for the steroid cream! Yark!